The Day After the Night Before

Hello, Lovely Reader

Well, I have to say, I'm really tired today, because I was up til 4am, looking at title fonts, backgrounds etc for the blog.  It had taken me such a long time to decide on a name (I'm talking months), then once I had that, the blog was there within 24 hours.  And, true to form, then I wanted to tinker with it all night.  Eventually, my beautiful boy, could stand it no longer, and miaowed until I went to bed!
I think that is something that applies to a lot of us; we wait to start something until 'the Perfect Moment'.  Of course, if it is a marriage proposal, it has to have some forethought, because you want it to be extra special and memorable.
But what if it is something that you really want to change about yourself, and you don't start to change until you have that perfect moment? Well, you could be waiting a very long time. 
I think that, so often, we want something so badly, that we wait until we have no problems, no obstacles, the stars are all aligned and the sun is in the seventh house of Usher, that we never actually start it.  I know I do this.
I've come to realise over the years that this procrastination can stem from fear.  Certainly fear of failure, but also, especially in my case, fear of success.  We live in a society that is very much goal oriented, very much driven by the trappings of material wealth and celebrity.  So, fear of failing to achieve a goal that we have set ourselves can actually prevent us from starting.  It can certainly prevent us from fully committing to change.  But, if we don't even start, we're never going to achieve, and we've already set ourselves up to fail.
And as for fear of success?  I've been very overweight my whole life.  It's desperately uncomfortable, but it's what I know. So, curiously, it's my comfort zone. I know how to interact with people at this weight.  I know what is expected of me.  I know who I am.  Because I've never been slim, I have no idea what that involves.  What if I change into someone that isn't very likeable?  What will people want from me?  I'm lucky enough to have a kind of natural authority, which partly stems from my stature.  What if I lose that?  It would certainly affect my role in my working life.  I don't know how to be, much less who to be!!
But I do know that this fear is keeping me trapped in a form that is becoming more and more unhealthy.  As I approach my fifth decade, I also know that, more than anything, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want the figure that I've always dreamed of.  Yes, it is scary.  But the potential consequences of not changing have now become even scarier.
I think big changes often come from the little things.  That little thought that says, 'I'm done.  I've had enough.' That little thought that sits in our being like a small, smooth, heavy pebble of certainty.  And then we take one tiny step away from what it is that we no longer want.  No fanfare, no conscious decision, no getting our ducks in a row.
Just one tiny step. 
And suddenly, just like that, we've started the process of change.

Much love
Carol B
xxx