Hello Lovely Reader
It's 1.20am here, but because I slept late and have done nothing all day, except rest with my foot elevated, I can't sleep.
As I said yesterday, I'm staying at my mum's, and she has Sky TV (I have no idea what the US equivalent would be) and there is a great channel on Sky called TLC. There are some brilliant TV programmes on there! (Sidenote; I don't watch a lot of TV at home. I will watch films and the dreaded QVC, and the programmes like The Hoarder Next Door, and BBC3 and BBC4 documentaries about mediaeval Britain, or The Regency or The Renaissance, but I can't bear soaps or programmes like Big Brother or Britain's Got Talent or, my personal nemesis, The X Factor).
But on TLC there are some programmes I'm finding really interesting; Hoarding; Buried Alive (makes me feel better about the bomb site that is my back bedroom!) and......Too Ugly For Love and My Extreme Excess Skin. These two programmes really resonate with me.
Too Ugly For Love is about people that have some kind of medical condition that affects them so badly psychologically, that they feel they are not worthy of love. Some of the conditions are harmless (hyper-hidrosis; excessive sweating), some of them more serious (ileostomy bags, colostomy bags, nodular prurigo etc), but they all affect the sufferers profoundly. And they're all absolutely normal looking, some fairly ordinary, some very attractive. And it made me feel a bit silly and slightly ashamed. I'm just fat. I'm not an oil painting, but I'm not hideous, either. I'm just..ordinary. And, I'll be 50 next year. At what point am I going to feel ok? Am I going to feel good enough? When will I feel worthy of love? I dunno. I'm ok being single, but I see that I actively prevent people from getting close to me. Hey ho. I need to think about this some more.
The other programme that is extremely relevant to me; My Extreme Excess Skin. This is very definitely going to apply to me. Maybe not quite as extreme as some of the people on the programme, but it will apply to a large extent. It has been insightful to see others transformations, and to see the problems they have endured whilst travelling to the end of their journey. The thing is, for most people, losing weight and getting to a size ? is the end goal in and of itself. But for others, reaching that size ? is the end of the first stage and the start of the second, because they will need surgery to remove their excess skin. I wish I'd lost my excess weight when I was young, purely because the collagen and elastin fibres that support the skin structure are more numerous and viable when you are younger. But by the time you hit 35, you have lost up to 60% of your collagen and elastin, so, with the best will in the world, your skin cannot spring back. All it can do is...hang. And sweat. And get in the way.
I've known for sometime that, even when I reach my end goal (whatever that may be), I will not have a beautiful body - it will be scarred, with stretch marks, with the natural skin ageing that occurs. Not pretty. So, there is inevitably going to be surgery involved, definitely brachioplasty, breast enhancement, circumferential body lift, whatever else. When I last priced it up, it was going to cost in excess of £15000. Heaven knows what it will cost when I need to have it all done. Highly unlikely I'll be able to have it done on the NHS, so quite how I'm going to fund it...? Cross that bridge when I come to it!
My job now is to continue to lose weight, to build muscle, to get healthy and to manage my diabetes, to give myself the best possible chance of swift and strong recovery to become the woman I want to be. Yes, I'll have scars that might be visible. I really don't care. I'm used to having strangers stare at me, so bring it on!!
Okay, so this wasn't as quick as I thought, but I just wanted to share it with you. Please bear with me during the next bit, as it may sound a bit...flaky!
This week is an important week - it's a full moon and it's 22.2, and the number two in Angel numbers means 'keep the faith', amplified by the full moon, which is traditionally a time of releasing unwanted negative energy, habits, things (have a look at Doreen Virtue on Youtube; she's helped me since I started watching her in December when my mum started to be ill again). You may not believe any of this, but I do, more so as I've grown older, and understand that there are far more powers at work in the world than I know or understand. Actually, my belief in these sorts of things has kind of increased not only as I've grown older, but also from me making an active decision to live a calmer, more peaceful life. As you will remember from yesterday's blog, I recognised that I need peace in my life. Life itself isn't kind of complying with that need, but I don't feel as much...overwhelm. I'm much more chilled out. I'm still bumbling around, trying to find what works for me, how I can help other people find their own path, but all I know is that I feel emotionally stronger. And that's helping me take care of myself. I don't think it stops you from taking responsibility for your own actions, it just helps to support you as a person. So, it's all good!
Have a great week, please have the courage to let go of what isn't working for you, what is keeping you stuck and keep the faith that it will all work out, that you can do it!! WE can do it!!
Lots of love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
Sunday 21 February 2016
Saturday 20 February 2016
I Want to Run, but......
Hello Lovely Reader!!
Before I explain the title, let me bring you up to speed;
I am currently staying at my mum's house, looking after her house and her cat whilst mum is in hospital. She is very poorly. I don't know when she will be coming home, or if. Only time will tell. But she's quite spirited, so you never know. That sounds really grim, and I don't mean it like that. I'm trying to be really positive, but remain realistic too.
So, my older sister and brother in law that live with my mum have gone on holiday to India, a much needed break. But right up to about ten minutes before the taxi arrived to take them to the airport, they were thinking of cancelling the holiday. I virtually pushed them out of the door, saying that if anything really critical comes up, I will contact them immediately.
On top of this, my eldest sister and brother in law have come back off their holiday. My sister is really ill, and was during the holiday, with something to do with her breathing (she has asthma). Her husband is waiting for test results, as he potentially has a tropical disease!
So, there's just me doing most of the visits (assisted by niece and niece in law), and the shopping and the clearing of cat litter etc etc etc!! Good job I'm used to coping with things on my own!! Because this is what happened to me....
I decided at the end of January that I was going to start running. I'd done some research on www.toofattorun.co.uk and The Angry Jogger. So, I ordered some lovely new Nike Lunarglide 7 running shoes, and I was all psyched up and ready to go, get started before I moved into mum's.
I've always wanted to be a runner, and it features regularly in my dreams. I don't know where this impetus comes from. I could run when I was at school (sprints, not endurance), and I used to cycle a lot too, but then I left school and started work and passed my driving test....
It occurred to me whilst watching the horror of the New York attacks on 9/11 that if I had been there, I would not have survived, purely because I wouldn't have been able to run away, certainly not at the weight I was then. I know that's morbid, but it was quite a shocking realisation. In an emergency, I would not be able to protect myself in that most ancient and basic of ways; by running away. Everyone of my generation would be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment they first heard of or saw the attacks, much in the same way as the assassination of President Kennedy, or the space shuttle exploding that was carrying Christa McAuliffe. The moments when our lives change, never to return to what we once knew. But my life changed in a more visceral and personal way - I knew, without any doubt, that I had to start to change my body. I also knew, in the back of my head that one day, one day, I would be able to run. I would be able to find that peaceful silence that would hopefully still my ever-churning thoughts.
Added to this, I have a lovely friend at work who does a local park run every Saturday. I asked her why she does it, why she started and her answer was so beautiful; because it has such a sense of community and camaraderie, and it's so peaceful and quiet;
'I stopped at East Park to give the pooch a good walk, when something magical happened. Around 500 people were there doing laps around the lake and the sun was shimmering off the water, birds singing in the trees and the rhythmic drum of the stream of people's footsteps passing me. It was tranquil. {at the end} every single one of them was smiling. So that's where it started, I quite simply went for a walk'.
Isn't that beautiful? I was so inspired.
Then, on February 5th, I fell in the bath, and broke a toe on my right foot, and broke the 5th metatarsal on my left foot!! My Nikes arrived on that day too, adding insult to blummen injury!! So, I was ordered to have complete rest for 4 weeks whilst wearing a cast, and stay off my foot as much as possible. Obviously, with what's going on in my life right now, as outlined above, that is just not possible, but I am trying to rest it as much as I can. I have to go back in around three weeks for further x rays.
And the first question I will be asking is 'when can I start walking, with a view to start running?'. I can't wait to see his face. The concept of someone my size running will either blow his mind or make him laugh, I think.
But although my plan has suffered a setback, that's all it is. A set back, a slight delay. It's still going to happen!!
I'll keep you posted. And as for my beautiful friend who doesn't realise how beautiful she is, or how eloquent she is, I will be forever grateful, for clarifying something I didn't realise I needed. Tranquillity.
Much love and blessings to you all.
Carol
xxxx
Before I explain the title, let me bring you up to speed;
I am currently staying at my mum's house, looking after her house and her cat whilst mum is in hospital. She is very poorly. I don't know when she will be coming home, or if. Only time will tell. But she's quite spirited, so you never know. That sounds really grim, and I don't mean it like that. I'm trying to be really positive, but remain realistic too.
So, my older sister and brother in law that live with my mum have gone on holiday to India, a much needed break. But right up to about ten minutes before the taxi arrived to take them to the airport, they were thinking of cancelling the holiday. I virtually pushed them out of the door, saying that if anything really critical comes up, I will contact them immediately.
On top of this, my eldest sister and brother in law have come back off their holiday. My sister is really ill, and was during the holiday, with something to do with her breathing (she has asthma). Her husband is waiting for test results, as he potentially has a tropical disease!
So, there's just me doing most of the visits (assisted by niece and niece in law), and the shopping and the clearing of cat litter etc etc etc!! Good job I'm used to coping with things on my own!! Because this is what happened to me....
I decided at the end of January that I was going to start running. I'd done some research on www.toofattorun.co.uk and The Angry Jogger. So, I ordered some lovely new Nike Lunarglide 7 running shoes, and I was all psyched up and ready to go, get started before I moved into mum's.
I've always wanted to be a runner, and it features regularly in my dreams. I don't know where this impetus comes from. I could run when I was at school (sprints, not endurance), and I used to cycle a lot too, but then I left school and started work and passed my driving test....
It occurred to me whilst watching the horror of the New York attacks on 9/11 that if I had been there, I would not have survived, purely because I wouldn't have been able to run away, certainly not at the weight I was then. I know that's morbid, but it was quite a shocking realisation. In an emergency, I would not be able to protect myself in that most ancient and basic of ways; by running away. Everyone of my generation would be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment they first heard of or saw the attacks, much in the same way as the assassination of President Kennedy, or the space shuttle exploding that was carrying Christa McAuliffe. The moments when our lives change, never to return to what we once knew. But my life changed in a more visceral and personal way - I knew, without any doubt, that I had to start to change my body. I also knew, in the back of my head that one day, one day, I would be able to run. I would be able to find that peaceful silence that would hopefully still my ever-churning thoughts.
Added to this, I have a lovely friend at work who does a local park run every Saturday. I asked her why she does it, why she started and her answer was so beautiful; because it has such a sense of community and camaraderie, and it's so peaceful and quiet;
'I stopped at East Park to give the pooch a good walk, when something magical happened. Around 500 people were there doing laps around the lake and the sun was shimmering off the water, birds singing in the trees and the rhythmic drum of the stream of people's footsteps passing me. It was tranquil. {at the end} every single one of them was smiling. So that's where it started, I quite simply went for a walk'.
Isn't that beautiful? I was so inspired.
Then, on February 5th, I fell in the bath, and broke a toe on my right foot, and broke the 5th metatarsal on my left foot!! My Nikes arrived on that day too, adding insult to blummen injury!! So, I was ordered to have complete rest for 4 weeks whilst wearing a cast, and stay off my foot as much as possible. Obviously, with what's going on in my life right now, as outlined above, that is just not possible, but I am trying to rest it as much as I can. I have to go back in around three weeks for further x rays.
And the first question I will be asking is 'when can I start walking, with a view to start running?'. I can't wait to see his face. The concept of someone my size running will either blow his mind or make him laugh, I think.
But although my plan has suffered a setback, that's all it is. A set back, a slight delay. It's still going to happen!!
I'll keep you posted. And as for my beautiful friend who doesn't realise how beautiful she is, or how eloquent she is, I will be forever grateful, for clarifying something I didn't realise I needed. Tranquillity.
Much love and blessings to you all.
Carol
xxxx
Thursday 14 January 2016
Midnight Rambler
Hello Dear Reader
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
Friday 8 January 2016
Wow! Another New Year!
Hello Dear Reader
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
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