Hello Dear Reader
I have been terribly remiss at posting, I know. I will try and become regular. I would like it to be daily, but I think that might be setting my stall out too far.
Anyhoo, been off the internet for over four weeks, purely because I couldn't muster up the enthusiasm or energy to try to resolve the issues. The only reason I did is because I have Sky Go on my laptop, and the new season of Game of Thrones was coming on. So, I sorted the internet problem with an extremely helpful young chap (it was easy), and then, irony of ironies, I couldn't get access to GoT, as it spent over 25 minutes buffering. Not happy.
And why, you may well ask, could I not muster up the gumption? Well, I'll tell you; Depression. One small word. One all encompassing impact. The last few months have been...grim. That's the only way I can describe it.
The worst thing about depression for me, is that it sucks the joy and the colour out of life. Even though I know how blessed I am, it's like I can only see muted beiges and browns. I was going to say grey, but I'm sick to the back teeth about hearing about that bloody book. Is it only me that can see it's a spiced up Mills and Boon???
So I've been trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it's working. I think I'm starting to come out of the other side. I think.
One of the other worst things about the big, black cloud is the utter inertia that comes with it. I can look at something, for example home paperwork, and know that it needs to be done, but I cannot, in any way, motivate myself to start it. Same with cleaning. It needs doing. I am OCD and houseproud, but I cannot do anything. So, I have to take little babysteps to start to do things. If you are also in this position, and the state of your home is contributing to your depression, as mine was, I would strongly recommend that you have a look at a website by the FlyLady (www.flylady.net). She's been there, and knows what it's like, and her system is saving me. I don't follow it religiously (nothing will ever induce me to wear shoes around the house. Nothing.), but I do follow enough to make a difference, slowly.
The good thing is that it is spring, the time of renewal and of warmer days and longer evenings. I really want to enjoy this summer. I actively want to be happy. I think that maybe sometimes we don't consciously choose our state of mind, so it's easier to get sidetracked. And, yes, I will have to make the effort to be happy, to do things that make me happy, to do the chores that mean I will be happier once they're done. In short, I will have to put myself out there.
But one thing is certain; if I don't make the effort, who will?
Til next time.
Much love
xx
