Hello, Lovely Reader!!
I've had my first comment from someone I don't know!!! Anastasia Damaskin, thank you, you made my day!
This week has been very sad for me. My neighbours, Frank and Chris, across the road, have been like an aunt and uncle to me. Nearly, all of my family live on the other side of town, and Frank and Chris have kind of kept an eye on me for years, during my relationship breakup over six years ago, through depression and illness and good times too. Well, Frank died on Tuesday morning, finally losing his fight with cancer. His family had brought him home for his final days, so I actually had the opportunity to see him and tell him how much I loved him.
Frank always told me that he loved me and he thought I was beautiful, no matter how far I'd been dragged through the hedge backwards. Although I know I'm not beautiful, the fact that he thought I was, and genuinely meant it, made me feel better, especially on my darkest days. He also made me laugh like mad, and used to bring any parcels across that the postman had left with them, sometimes refusing to give me the parcel til I told him what was in it. It was always either cds, books or dvds, or American foods from Amazon, like stuff from Bob's Red Mill, or PB2 or Sunwarrior Protein powders. He would always notice if I was losing weight, but never, ever commented when I was gaining. I just always felt like he was on my side, and I can't tell you how important that was to me. Wherever he is now, I hope he's met my Dad, and they're having a laugh.
You see, that's the reason I called this conversations with a hungry heart. I realised a long time ago that what I'm trying to feed isn't physical hunger. I'm lucky enough that I've never been in the position where I couldn't afford to eat. I'm trying to feed a hunger that I can't identify at the moment, and sometimes it's a little overwhelming. This may make me sound like a nutter, but my heart is hungry for......what? I don't know. Just to feel 'good enough', I guess.
My weight, and the issues around it are to do with chronically low self esteem (although I fake confidence so well I deserve a million Oscars) and an appalling lack of self belief. No amount or type of food can fill that gap that just kind of needs a hug. I don't believe people when they give me a compliment, but I have learned to smile and say thank you. I know that sometimes, my disbelief shows on my face. It really doesn't matter what anyone else says, if you don't believe it about yourself. This can obviously be both negative and positive.
At the moment, I'm doing a lot of reading on nutrition, self care, weight issues etc. I realise, through conversations with friends, that a lot of my issues around weight are predominantly in my own head. I had a really illuminating discussion with a friend last week that has actually made me start to wonder if I see myself as I really am. My friend thinks not, and she's a very sane, honest lady. I think I may still see myself as I was when I started this journey over nine stones ago. I am genuinely at a loss as to how to get past that.
If you are so conditioned, or entrenched, in seeing yourself a particular way, how do you start to change that? Especially when visual changes are really scary? Will I still look like me at x weight? Who will I be? What if people don't recognise me? What if I don't recognise me?
The big, well, huge, difference is that this time, I am determined to perservere, to carry on, to get to ...there...wherever there is.It has become almost a biological imperative for me to sort this out, once and for all, for me to realise and fulfil my potential.
So, I will endeavour to wrap Frank's spirit around me, whilst I carry on this journey of discovery, in the hopes that he sees the positive changes.
To all of you who have lost someone that thought you beautiful, even at your worst, give thanks that they touched your life.
Goodnight all.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
