Hello Lovely Reader
It's 1.20am here, but because I slept late and have done nothing all day, except rest with my foot elevated, I can't sleep.
As I said yesterday, I'm staying at my mum's, and she has Sky TV (I have no idea what the US equivalent would be) and there is a great channel on Sky called TLC. There are some brilliant TV programmes on there! (Sidenote; I don't watch a lot of TV at home. I will watch films and the dreaded QVC, and the programmes like The Hoarder Next Door, and BBC3 and BBC4 documentaries about mediaeval Britain, or The Regency or The Renaissance, but I can't bear soaps or programmes like Big Brother or Britain's Got Talent or, my personal nemesis, The X Factor).
But on TLC there are some programmes I'm finding really interesting; Hoarding; Buried Alive (makes me feel better about the bomb site that is my back bedroom!) and......Too Ugly For Love and My Extreme Excess Skin. These two programmes really resonate with me.
Too Ugly For Love is about people that have some kind of medical condition that affects them so badly psychologically, that they feel they are not worthy of love. Some of the conditions are harmless (hyper-hidrosis; excessive sweating), some of them more serious (ileostomy bags, colostomy bags, nodular prurigo etc), but they all affect the sufferers profoundly. And they're all absolutely normal looking, some fairly ordinary, some very attractive. And it made me feel a bit silly and slightly ashamed. I'm just fat. I'm not an oil painting, but I'm not hideous, either. I'm just..ordinary. And, I'll be 50 next year. At what point am I going to feel ok? Am I going to feel good enough? When will I feel worthy of love? I dunno. I'm ok being single, but I see that I actively prevent people from getting close to me. Hey ho. I need to think about this some more.
The other programme that is extremely relevant to me; My Extreme Excess Skin. This is very definitely going to apply to me. Maybe not quite as extreme as some of the people on the programme, but it will apply to a large extent. It has been insightful to see others transformations, and to see the problems they have endured whilst travelling to the end of their journey. The thing is, for most people, losing weight and getting to a size ? is the end goal in and of itself. But for others, reaching that size ? is the end of the first stage and the start of the second, because they will need surgery to remove their excess skin. I wish I'd lost my excess weight when I was young, purely because the collagen and elastin fibres that support the skin structure are more numerous and viable when you are younger. But by the time you hit 35, you have lost up to 60% of your collagen and elastin, so, with the best will in the world, your skin cannot spring back. All it can do is...hang. And sweat. And get in the way.
I've known for sometime that, even when I reach my end goal (whatever that may be), I will not have a beautiful body - it will be scarred, with stretch marks, with the natural skin ageing that occurs. Not pretty. So, there is inevitably going to be surgery involved, definitely brachioplasty, breast enhancement, circumferential body lift, whatever else. When I last priced it up, it was going to cost in excess of £15000. Heaven knows what it will cost when I need to have it all done. Highly unlikely I'll be able to have it done on the NHS, so quite how I'm going to fund it...? Cross that bridge when I come to it!
My job now is to continue to lose weight, to build muscle, to get healthy and to manage my diabetes, to give myself the best possible chance of swift and strong recovery to become the woman I want to be. Yes, I'll have scars that might be visible. I really don't care. I'm used to having strangers stare at me, so bring it on!!
Okay, so this wasn't as quick as I thought, but I just wanted to share it with you. Please bear with me during the next bit, as it may sound a bit...flaky!
This week is an important week - it's a full moon and it's 22.2, and the number two in Angel numbers means 'keep the faith', amplified by the full moon, which is traditionally a time of releasing unwanted negative energy, habits, things (have a look at Doreen Virtue on Youtube; she's helped me since I started watching her in December when my mum started to be ill again). You may not believe any of this, but I do, more so as I've grown older, and understand that there are far more powers at work in the world than I know or understand. Actually, my belief in these sorts of things has kind of increased not only as I've grown older, but also from me making an active decision to live a calmer, more peaceful life. As you will remember from yesterday's blog, I recognised that I need peace in my life. Life itself isn't kind of complying with that need, but I don't feel as much...overwhelm. I'm much more chilled out. I'm still bumbling around, trying to find what works for me, how I can help other people find their own path, but all I know is that I feel emotionally stronger. And that's helping me take care of myself. I don't think it stops you from taking responsibility for your own actions, it just helps to support you as a person. So, it's all good!
Have a great week, please have the courage to let go of what isn't working for you, what is keeping you stuck and keep the faith that it will all work out, that you can do it!! WE can do it!!
Lots of love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Saturday, 20 February 2016
I Want to Run, but......
Hello Lovely Reader!!
Before I explain the title, let me bring you up to speed;
I am currently staying at my mum's house, looking after her house and her cat whilst mum is in hospital. She is very poorly. I don't know when she will be coming home, or if. Only time will tell. But she's quite spirited, so you never know. That sounds really grim, and I don't mean it like that. I'm trying to be really positive, but remain realistic too.
So, my older sister and brother in law that live with my mum have gone on holiday to India, a much needed break. But right up to about ten minutes before the taxi arrived to take them to the airport, they were thinking of cancelling the holiday. I virtually pushed them out of the door, saying that if anything really critical comes up, I will contact them immediately.
On top of this, my eldest sister and brother in law have come back off their holiday. My sister is really ill, and was during the holiday, with something to do with her breathing (she has asthma). Her husband is waiting for test results, as he potentially has a tropical disease!
So, there's just me doing most of the visits (assisted by niece and niece in law), and the shopping and the clearing of cat litter etc etc etc!! Good job I'm used to coping with things on my own!! Because this is what happened to me....
I decided at the end of January that I was going to start running. I'd done some research on www.toofattorun.co.uk and The Angry Jogger. So, I ordered some lovely new Nike Lunarglide 7 running shoes, and I was all psyched up and ready to go, get started before I moved into mum's.
I've always wanted to be a runner, and it features regularly in my dreams. I don't know where this impetus comes from. I could run when I was at school (sprints, not endurance), and I used to cycle a lot too, but then I left school and started work and passed my driving test....
It occurred to me whilst watching the horror of the New York attacks on 9/11 that if I had been there, I would not have survived, purely because I wouldn't have been able to run away, certainly not at the weight I was then. I know that's morbid, but it was quite a shocking realisation. In an emergency, I would not be able to protect myself in that most ancient and basic of ways; by running away. Everyone of my generation would be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment they first heard of or saw the attacks, much in the same way as the assassination of President Kennedy, or the space shuttle exploding that was carrying Christa McAuliffe. The moments when our lives change, never to return to what we once knew. But my life changed in a more visceral and personal way - I knew, without any doubt, that I had to start to change my body. I also knew, in the back of my head that one day, one day, I would be able to run. I would be able to find that peaceful silence that would hopefully still my ever-churning thoughts.
Added to this, I have a lovely friend at work who does a local park run every Saturday. I asked her why she does it, why she started and her answer was so beautiful; because it has such a sense of community and camaraderie, and it's so peaceful and quiet;
'I stopped at East Park to give the pooch a good walk, when something magical happened. Around 500 people were there doing laps around the lake and the sun was shimmering off the water, birds singing in the trees and the rhythmic drum of the stream of people's footsteps passing me. It was tranquil. {at the end} every single one of them was smiling. So that's where it started, I quite simply went for a walk'.
Isn't that beautiful? I was so inspired.
Then, on February 5th, I fell in the bath, and broke a toe on my right foot, and broke the 5th metatarsal on my left foot!! My Nikes arrived on that day too, adding insult to blummen injury!! So, I was ordered to have complete rest for 4 weeks whilst wearing a cast, and stay off my foot as much as possible. Obviously, with what's going on in my life right now, as outlined above, that is just not possible, but I am trying to rest it as much as I can. I have to go back in around three weeks for further x rays.
And the first question I will be asking is 'when can I start walking, with a view to start running?'. I can't wait to see his face. The concept of someone my size running will either blow his mind or make him laugh, I think.
But although my plan has suffered a setback, that's all it is. A set back, a slight delay. It's still going to happen!!
I'll keep you posted. And as for my beautiful friend who doesn't realise how beautiful she is, or how eloquent she is, I will be forever grateful, for clarifying something I didn't realise I needed. Tranquillity.
Much love and blessings to you all.
Carol
xxxx
Before I explain the title, let me bring you up to speed;
I am currently staying at my mum's house, looking after her house and her cat whilst mum is in hospital. She is very poorly. I don't know when she will be coming home, or if. Only time will tell. But she's quite spirited, so you never know. That sounds really grim, and I don't mean it like that. I'm trying to be really positive, but remain realistic too.
So, my older sister and brother in law that live with my mum have gone on holiday to India, a much needed break. But right up to about ten minutes before the taxi arrived to take them to the airport, they were thinking of cancelling the holiday. I virtually pushed them out of the door, saying that if anything really critical comes up, I will contact them immediately.
On top of this, my eldest sister and brother in law have come back off their holiday. My sister is really ill, and was during the holiday, with something to do with her breathing (she has asthma). Her husband is waiting for test results, as he potentially has a tropical disease!
So, there's just me doing most of the visits (assisted by niece and niece in law), and the shopping and the clearing of cat litter etc etc etc!! Good job I'm used to coping with things on my own!! Because this is what happened to me....
I decided at the end of January that I was going to start running. I'd done some research on www.toofattorun.co.uk and The Angry Jogger. So, I ordered some lovely new Nike Lunarglide 7 running shoes, and I was all psyched up and ready to go, get started before I moved into mum's.
I've always wanted to be a runner, and it features regularly in my dreams. I don't know where this impetus comes from. I could run when I was at school (sprints, not endurance), and I used to cycle a lot too, but then I left school and started work and passed my driving test....
It occurred to me whilst watching the horror of the New York attacks on 9/11 that if I had been there, I would not have survived, purely because I wouldn't have been able to run away, certainly not at the weight I was then. I know that's morbid, but it was quite a shocking realisation. In an emergency, I would not be able to protect myself in that most ancient and basic of ways; by running away. Everyone of my generation would be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment they first heard of or saw the attacks, much in the same way as the assassination of President Kennedy, or the space shuttle exploding that was carrying Christa McAuliffe. The moments when our lives change, never to return to what we once knew. But my life changed in a more visceral and personal way - I knew, without any doubt, that I had to start to change my body. I also knew, in the back of my head that one day, one day, I would be able to run. I would be able to find that peaceful silence that would hopefully still my ever-churning thoughts.
Added to this, I have a lovely friend at work who does a local park run every Saturday. I asked her why she does it, why she started and her answer was so beautiful; because it has such a sense of community and camaraderie, and it's so peaceful and quiet;
'I stopped at East Park to give the pooch a good walk, when something magical happened. Around 500 people were there doing laps around the lake and the sun was shimmering off the water, birds singing in the trees and the rhythmic drum of the stream of people's footsteps passing me. It was tranquil. {at the end} every single one of them was smiling. So that's where it started, I quite simply went for a walk'.
Isn't that beautiful? I was so inspired.
Then, on February 5th, I fell in the bath, and broke a toe on my right foot, and broke the 5th metatarsal on my left foot!! My Nikes arrived on that day too, adding insult to blummen injury!! So, I was ordered to have complete rest for 4 weeks whilst wearing a cast, and stay off my foot as much as possible. Obviously, with what's going on in my life right now, as outlined above, that is just not possible, but I am trying to rest it as much as I can. I have to go back in around three weeks for further x rays.
And the first question I will be asking is 'when can I start walking, with a view to start running?'. I can't wait to see his face. The concept of someone my size running will either blow his mind or make him laugh, I think.
But although my plan has suffered a setback, that's all it is. A set back, a slight delay. It's still going to happen!!
I'll keep you posted. And as for my beautiful friend who doesn't realise how beautiful she is, or how eloquent she is, I will be forever grateful, for clarifying something I didn't realise I needed. Tranquillity.
Much love and blessings to you all.
Carol
xxxx
Thursday, 14 January 2016
Midnight Rambler
Hello Dear Reader
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
Friday, 8 January 2016
Wow! Another New Year!
Hello Dear Reader
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
The Road to Hell.....
Hello, Dear Reader
As you will know, the end of that quotation is 'paved with good intentions'. My own particular road certainly is.
It's now 11.36pm on 16th June. I haven't had dinner (evening meal) and nor have I done any planning. Grrrr. I'm mad at myself and disappointed too.
And today, that's all I have to say.
Much love to you
Carol
xx
(as you can probably tell, I'm a bit fed up!)
As you will know, the end of that quotation is 'paved with good intentions'. My own particular road certainly is.
It's now 11.36pm on 16th June. I haven't had dinner (evening meal) and nor have I done any planning. Grrrr. I'm mad at myself and disappointed too.
And today, that's all I have to say.
Much love to you
Carol
xx
(as you can probably tell, I'm a bit fed up!)
Sunday, 31 May 2015
A New Low - in a Good Way!!
Hello Readers
I've hit a new low! I'm now the lowest weight I've been in 28 years and I'm finally - finally! - under my next major number! I'm so pleased and a little bit proud of myself. By the way, the reason I don't publish the numbers is because, strangely, I don't want this blog to be just about that ( I will post them at the end of my journey, probably). We are all so much more than the numbers on the scale, and yet we all inevitably define ourselves by that. Wouldn't it be marvellous if weight, size, shape, gender, colour, race, religion, sexuality all became irrelevant, and it all became about who you are at your core? Utopian and naive, I know, but can you imagine how liberating it would be? How freeing? Part of my original reason of wanting to start a blog was because I wanted to reach out to others, to connect. And because I wanted to have a reason to write regularly, as I find it incredibly cathartic. Writing something down makes it easier to 'see' what's going on and to put it in the wider perspective. To give my thoughts context, I suppose. The act of writing gives me clarity.
Even though it is the early hours of the morning here in England, it is technically the first of June, so today, I am recommencing Eating Clean - this means.....planning. I'm not great at sitting down and planning meals. Mainly because I'm genuinely not that interested in food. Now, I know this may seem a little bit ironic for someone who had reached such a massive weight, but, over the last few years, I have been on a drug called exenatide (for diabetes) and because of the way it works, it slows down how your body processes food and drinks. The upshot of this is that I rarely feel hunger. Combine this with living in my own, and not seeing the point in cooking....can you see where I'm going with this?
However, I know that Eating Clean improves my health, gives me more energy, makes my skin look better and, best of all, balances my blood sugars. You'd think this would be a no brainer, right? Wrong; I just find it incredibly difficult to sit down and plan a menu. I've tried all sorts of ways to do it - a few days at a time, a full week, a rough plan for a month, one day at a time - and I just struggle. I think that it's the commitment. I know that people who write down their goals are more than 80% more likely to achieve them. I've come to think that I have an inherent lack of faith in my ability to carry out the planned menu, a lack of belief in myself. I always leave it too late to start cooking, I find meal prep boring and I usually end up throwing away what I've bought, which, in this day and age of more and more people relying on food banks and soup kitchens is disgraceful, if not obscene.
So, I've come to a decision. I have to quit stalling, quit moaning and quit delaying and just get on with it. The other irony is that I really believe in Eating Clean; I am currently doing a home study course in nutrition, and I've always been a proponent of food being what our bodies are built with; we literally are what we eat.
I remember being about 17 and getting magazines imported from the USA (Muscle and Fitness Hers and that sort of thing), because you just couldn't buy them here, and those magazines were so advanced on nutrition and exercise. I can't begin to tell you how educated I am on these subjects, but I have not so far put them consistently into practice. That's why the Eat Clean movement is so important to me and for me - the availability of information now is mind-blowing, and it has simplified all of that early information and made it accessible. The diagnosis of IBS kicked my butt to an extent, but I don't want to go completely grain-free. I don't think I could go Paleo, for example. However, I do believe that over 80 per cent of all illness can be attributed to lifestyle, specifically what we choose to feed ourselves.
June 1st - I first started Eating Clean in June last year, so it seems a good time to fully commit, on my one year anniversary, to a lifestyle of supporting and caring for myself by nourishing myself properly. And that means...planning. And food prep - I'm intending to do it once or twice a week. Surely that will make it more achievable??
How do you plan? What do you do? I'd love to hear.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xxx
I've hit a new low! I'm now the lowest weight I've been in 28 years and I'm finally - finally! - under my next major number! I'm so pleased and a little bit proud of myself. By the way, the reason I don't publish the numbers is because, strangely, I don't want this blog to be just about that ( I will post them at the end of my journey, probably). We are all so much more than the numbers on the scale, and yet we all inevitably define ourselves by that. Wouldn't it be marvellous if weight, size, shape, gender, colour, race, religion, sexuality all became irrelevant, and it all became about who you are at your core? Utopian and naive, I know, but can you imagine how liberating it would be? How freeing? Part of my original reason of wanting to start a blog was because I wanted to reach out to others, to connect. And because I wanted to have a reason to write regularly, as I find it incredibly cathartic. Writing something down makes it easier to 'see' what's going on and to put it in the wider perspective. To give my thoughts context, I suppose. The act of writing gives me clarity.
Even though it is the early hours of the morning here in England, it is technically the first of June, so today, I am recommencing Eating Clean - this means.....planning. I'm not great at sitting down and planning meals. Mainly because I'm genuinely not that interested in food. Now, I know this may seem a little bit ironic for someone who had reached such a massive weight, but, over the last few years, I have been on a drug called exenatide (for diabetes) and because of the way it works, it slows down how your body processes food and drinks. The upshot of this is that I rarely feel hunger. Combine this with living in my own, and not seeing the point in cooking....can you see where I'm going with this?
However, I know that Eating Clean improves my health, gives me more energy, makes my skin look better and, best of all, balances my blood sugars. You'd think this would be a no brainer, right? Wrong; I just find it incredibly difficult to sit down and plan a menu. I've tried all sorts of ways to do it - a few days at a time, a full week, a rough plan for a month, one day at a time - and I just struggle. I think that it's the commitment. I know that people who write down their goals are more than 80% more likely to achieve them. I've come to think that I have an inherent lack of faith in my ability to carry out the planned menu, a lack of belief in myself. I always leave it too late to start cooking, I find meal prep boring and I usually end up throwing away what I've bought, which, in this day and age of more and more people relying on food banks and soup kitchens is disgraceful, if not obscene.
So, I've come to a decision. I have to quit stalling, quit moaning and quit delaying and just get on with it. The other irony is that I really believe in Eating Clean; I am currently doing a home study course in nutrition, and I've always been a proponent of food being what our bodies are built with; we literally are what we eat.
I remember being about 17 and getting magazines imported from the USA (Muscle and Fitness Hers and that sort of thing), because you just couldn't buy them here, and those magazines were so advanced on nutrition and exercise. I can't begin to tell you how educated I am on these subjects, but I have not so far put them consistently into practice. That's why the Eat Clean movement is so important to me and for me - the availability of information now is mind-blowing, and it has simplified all of that early information and made it accessible. The diagnosis of IBS kicked my butt to an extent, but I don't want to go completely grain-free. I don't think I could go Paleo, for example. However, I do believe that over 80 per cent of all illness can be attributed to lifestyle, specifically what we choose to feed ourselves.
June 1st - I first started Eating Clean in June last year, so it seems a good time to fully commit, on my one year anniversary, to a lifestyle of supporting and caring for myself by nourishing myself properly. And that means...planning. And food prep - I'm intending to do it once or twice a week. Surely that will make it more achievable??
How do you plan? What do you do? I'd love to hear.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xxx
Monday, 25 May 2015
A Bit of Meandering...
Hello Reader
It has been a Bank Holiday weekend this weekend in the UK. That means we get Monday off, making it a long weekend. My one goal this weekend was to make a start on the garden....
For those with partners, spouses, children etc, Bank Holidays are great. For those of us who are single, but all our friends are married with kids etc, this is not so good. In fact, it can get pretty lonely and dull.
However, I have made sure that I've done something productive each day, and something each day for me to enjoy. Of course there have been many, many cups of tea drunk! And, I've enjoyed having the time to just....be. To lay with my beloved cat and watch the clouds go by, listening to him purr, as I scratch his ears.
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet someone that I really want to be with, that wants to be with me. Who knows? Although I always felt that I wouldn't get married, I didn't think I would grow old single. Luckily, I have good friends (even the married ones!) and a loving family, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. All in all; Pretty Damn Blessed.
I forgot to get weighed this weekend, so I don't know where I'm at on the scale. However, my clothes are feeling looser. I have been faffing around and not eating well and I seriously cannot remember the last time I exercised.
One of my goals this year was to lose seven stones. I'm nowehere on track with that, but if I make changes now I can be closer to my target than if I don't start.
I suffer quite badly with perfectionismitis. This means that if I am not 100 % perfect in achieving something, I give up. You will know if you have read my blog before that I am a keen follower of The Flylady (www.flylady.net), and she has taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism, and that housework done incorrectly still blesses your home. I need to start expanding this concept to other things; at the moment I expect myself to Eat Clean 100 % and start exercising daily for an hour. This approach is clearly not working for me AT ALL. So, for the remainder of this week, I'm going to try to eat something healthy at each meal and exercise for 15 minutes each day. Just gentle movement. Nothing mental. I've noticed since Christmas that I am getting more and more stiff each day - I actually feel like I'm seizing up! Well, of course I am because I'm not moving!!
So, that's the plan. Eating a bit better and moving a bit more. I'll let you know how I got on. the 'good' thing is that people have started noticing I'm losing weight. I actually find this a little disturbing, because I don't know how to handle the praise or the recognition. So, I'm just saying thank you and moving the conversation on.
I hope you have a good week and move a little closer to your goals.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xx
ps I didn't do the garden!
It has been a Bank Holiday weekend this weekend in the UK. That means we get Monday off, making it a long weekend. My one goal this weekend was to make a start on the garden....
For those with partners, spouses, children etc, Bank Holidays are great. For those of us who are single, but all our friends are married with kids etc, this is not so good. In fact, it can get pretty lonely and dull.
However, I have made sure that I've done something productive each day, and something each day for me to enjoy. Of course there have been many, many cups of tea drunk! And, I've enjoyed having the time to just....be. To lay with my beloved cat and watch the clouds go by, listening to him purr, as I scratch his ears.
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet someone that I really want to be with, that wants to be with me. Who knows? Although I always felt that I wouldn't get married, I didn't think I would grow old single. Luckily, I have good friends (even the married ones!) and a loving family, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. All in all; Pretty Damn Blessed.
I forgot to get weighed this weekend, so I don't know where I'm at on the scale. However, my clothes are feeling looser. I have been faffing around and not eating well and I seriously cannot remember the last time I exercised.
One of my goals this year was to lose seven stones. I'm nowehere on track with that, but if I make changes now I can be closer to my target than if I don't start.
I suffer quite badly with perfectionismitis. This means that if I am not 100 % perfect in achieving something, I give up. You will know if you have read my blog before that I am a keen follower of The Flylady (www.flylady.net), and she has taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism, and that housework done incorrectly still blesses your home. I need to start expanding this concept to other things; at the moment I expect myself to Eat Clean 100 % and start exercising daily for an hour. This approach is clearly not working for me AT ALL. So, for the remainder of this week, I'm going to try to eat something healthy at each meal and exercise for 15 minutes each day. Just gentle movement. Nothing mental. I've noticed since Christmas that I am getting more and more stiff each day - I actually feel like I'm seizing up! Well, of course I am because I'm not moving!!
So, that's the plan. Eating a bit better and moving a bit more. I'll let you know how I got on. the 'good' thing is that people have started noticing I'm losing weight. I actually find this a little disturbing, because I don't know how to handle the praise or the recognition. So, I'm just saying thank you and moving the conversation on.
I hope you have a good week and move a little closer to your goals.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xx
ps I didn't do the garden!
Monday, 18 May 2015
Who's 'Making' You Angry?
Dear Reader
It amuses me writing that, because I know I have no readers!!
Anyhoo, today's post may be a little controversial and not like the subjects I normally blog about.
I had a conversation with one of my sisters the other day, in the car, on the way to lunch in a lovely little village near where we live. My sister (whom I'm really close to) was really angry over something my other sister (whom I'm not close to) had done, and she started to have a rant in the car about it. Again. From that one word, you will appreciate that this is not the first time my eldest sister's actions had caused distress to my middle sister, and not the first time I'd listened to her.
This was my response; 'And?'
Naturally, this was not the response my sister wanted. She wanted me to be as outraged as she was. I said to her something that I think we all need to bear in mind sometimes;
We cannot control the actions, thoughts or feelings of others. We can only control those things in ourselves, by the choices we make.
So, I said, quite calmly 'If you choose to continue to get mad about something that will never change, then that is your choice. No-one is making you feel this but you. You will never change the way our sister is; she is what she is. Maybe she gets some perverse pleasure out of annoying you, maybe she doesn't, but that is irrelevant. The only person who this has any negative impact on is you. So you can either continue to moan and get mad, or you can choose to let it annoy you for five to ten minutes then let it go, and get on with your life. Choose to control your feelings, choose to control your responses. The only person who has control over your feelings is you.'
This, of course, does not just apply to siblings, or negative situations. How many times do we decline to take advantage of situations, or say yes to opportunities because of how others 'make' us feel about ourselves? I am especially guilty of this. But surely, the best of life comes from just that? Being open, being spontaneous, seeing life as what it is; an incredible gift?
I believe that if we choose to have a more positive outlook (bear with me - I'm not going all Pollyanna), we will see more positive things in our lives. You know that experiment of 'don't look at blue cars', and then all you can see is blue cars? Similarly, I think if we look for the beautiful moments in our daily lives, and everyone has them, then we will see more of them. One of mine today was seeing a particularly fat, fluffy bee feeding in my garden. It was like a cartoon bee, it was so cute.
I know that this may all seem a bit flaky, but surely, it can't hurt to try? Choose your feelings and choose what you focus on.
Much love to you and yours
Carol
It amuses me writing that, because I know I have no readers!!
Anyhoo, today's post may be a little controversial and not like the subjects I normally blog about.
I had a conversation with one of my sisters the other day, in the car, on the way to lunch in a lovely little village near where we live. My sister (whom I'm really close to) was really angry over something my other sister (whom I'm not close to) had done, and she started to have a rant in the car about it. Again. From that one word, you will appreciate that this is not the first time my eldest sister's actions had caused distress to my middle sister, and not the first time I'd listened to her.
This was my response; 'And?'
Naturally, this was not the response my sister wanted. She wanted me to be as outraged as she was. I said to her something that I think we all need to bear in mind sometimes;
We cannot control the actions, thoughts or feelings of others. We can only control those things in ourselves, by the choices we make.
So, I said, quite calmly 'If you choose to continue to get mad about something that will never change, then that is your choice. No-one is making you feel this but you. You will never change the way our sister is; she is what she is. Maybe she gets some perverse pleasure out of annoying you, maybe she doesn't, but that is irrelevant. The only person who this has any negative impact on is you. So you can either continue to moan and get mad, or you can choose to let it annoy you for five to ten minutes then let it go, and get on with your life. Choose to control your feelings, choose to control your responses. The only person who has control over your feelings is you.'
This, of course, does not just apply to siblings, or negative situations. How many times do we decline to take advantage of situations, or say yes to opportunities because of how others 'make' us feel about ourselves? I am especially guilty of this. But surely, the best of life comes from just that? Being open, being spontaneous, seeing life as what it is; an incredible gift?
I believe that if we choose to have a more positive outlook (bear with me - I'm not going all Pollyanna), we will see more positive things in our lives. You know that experiment of 'don't look at blue cars', and then all you can see is blue cars? Similarly, I think if we look for the beautiful moments in our daily lives, and everyone has them, then we will see more of them. One of mine today was seeing a particularly fat, fluffy bee feeding in my garden. It was like a cartoon bee, it was so cute.
I know that this may all seem a bit flaky, but surely, it can't hurt to try? Choose your feelings and choose what you focus on.
Much love to you and yours
Carol
Monday, 20 April 2015
Hello Spring!
Hello Dear Reader
I have been terribly remiss at posting, I know. I will try and become regular. I would like it to be daily, but I think that might be setting my stall out too far.
Anyhoo, been off the internet for over four weeks, purely because I couldn't muster up the enthusiasm or energy to try to resolve the issues. The only reason I did is because I have Sky Go on my laptop, and the new season of Game of Thrones was coming on. So, I sorted the internet problem with an extremely helpful young chap (it was easy), and then, irony of ironies, I couldn't get access to GoT, as it spent over 25 minutes buffering. Not happy.
And why, you may well ask, could I not muster up the gumption? Well, I'll tell you; Depression. One small word. One all encompassing impact. The last few months have been...grim. That's the only way I can describe it.
The worst thing about depression for me, is that it sucks the joy and the colour out of life. Even though I know how blessed I am, it's like I can only see muted beiges and browns. I was going to say grey, but I'm sick to the back teeth about hearing about that bloody book. Is it only me that can see it's a spiced up Mills and Boon???
So I've been trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it's working. I think I'm starting to come out of the other side. I think.
One of the other worst things about the big, black cloud is the utter inertia that comes with it. I can look at something, for example home paperwork, and know that it needs to be done, but I cannot, in any way, motivate myself to start it. Same with cleaning. It needs doing. I am OCD and houseproud, but I cannot do anything. So, I have to take little babysteps to start to do things. If you are also in this position, and the state of your home is contributing to your depression, as mine was, I would strongly recommend that you have a look at a website by the FlyLady (www.flylady.net). She's been there, and knows what it's like, and her system is saving me. I don't follow it religiously (nothing will ever induce me to wear shoes around the house. Nothing.), but I do follow enough to make a difference, slowly.
The good thing is that it is spring, the time of renewal and of warmer days and longer evenings. I really want to enjoy this summer. I actively want to be happy. I think that maybe sometimes we don't consciously choose our state of mind, so it's easier to get sidetracked. And, yes, I will have to make the effort to be happy, to do things that make me happy, to do the chores that mean I will be happier once they're done. In short, I will have to put myself out there.
But one thing is certain; if I don't make the effort, who will?
Til next time.
Much love
xx
I have been terribly remiss at posting, I know. I will try and become regular. I would like it to be daily, but I think that might be setting my stall out too far.
Anyhoo, been off the internet for over four weeks, purely because I couldn't muster up the enthusiasm or energy to try to resolve the issues. The only reason I did is because I have Sky Go on my laptop, and the new season of Game of Thrones was coming on. So, I sorted the internet problem with an extremely helpful young chap (it was easy), and then, irony of ironies, I couldn't get access to GoT, as it spent over 25 minutes buffering. Not happy.
And why, you may well ask, could I not muster up the gumption? Well, I'll tell you; Depression. One small word. One all encompassing impact. The last few months have been...grim. That's the only way I can describe it.
The worst thing about depression for me, is that it sucks the joy and the colour out of life. Even though I know how blessed I am, it's like I can only see muted beiges and browns. I was going to say grey, but I'm sick to the back teeth about hearing about that bloody book. Is it only me that can see it's a spiced up Mills and Boon???
So I've been trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it's working. I think I'm starting to come out of the other side. I think.
One of the other worst things about the big, black cloud is the utter inertia that comes with it. I can look at something, for example home paperwork, and know that it needs to be done, but I cannot, in any way, motivate myself to start it. Same with cleaning. It needs doing. I am OCD and houseproud, but I cannot do anything. So, I have to take little babysteps to start to do things. If you are also in this position, and the state of your home is contributing to your depression, as mine was, I would strongly recommend that you have a look at a website by the FlyLady (www.flylady.net). She's been there, and knows what it's like, and her system is saving me. I don't follow it religiously (nothing will ever induce me to wear shoes around the house. Nothing.), but I do follow enough to make a difference, slowly.
The good thing is that it is spring, the time of renewal and of warmer days and longer evenings. I really want to enjoy this summer. I actively want to be happy. I think that maybe sometimes we don't consciously choose our state of mind, so it's easier to get sidetracked. And, yes, I will have to make the effort to be happy, to do things that make me happy, to do the chores that mean I will be happier once they're done. In short, I will have to put myself out there.
But one thing is certain; if I don't make the effort, who will?
Til next time.
Much love
xx
Monday, 26 January 2015
Belated, I know, but Happy New Year!!
So..........here we are......2015. What will it bring?
I have admittedly been very lackadaisical about blogging, and that was due to a few things; depression, illness, family issues etc etc etc, but it was also because I didn't think anyone was reading. Then I remembered something important;
I'm not writing this for anyone else. I'm writing it because I need to write. I physically need to get things out of my head, and down on paper, or out into the ether.
I don't know about you, but I struggle with what can conservatively be termed an 'overly busy mind'. In other words, it never bloody shuts up!! In order to attempt to combat that, I need structure and routine.
Now, in all honesty, this does not sit well with the majority of my personality that wants to be....you know...spontaneous, bohemian, spur of the moment; in other words - FUN. But, actually, structure and routine can be very freeing. It means that, when someone says 'hey (or where I come from 'now then') do you fancy going to the park?', I'm not worrying about all the little jobs that need doing, cooking, cleaning etc etc. I can go, without a care in the world. In reality, of course, this doesn't happen. I'm no more likely to go to the park than fly to the moon, but the possibility is there.
And that's what life is about really. Possibility. I think that we forget that every day, every hour is an opportunity to move towards our goals, big or small. I think we forget, with so much conflict, strife, difficulty and sadness around us, that we were put on the planet to do our best to be happy, to seize joy wherever we can find it, to offer kindness whenever we can.
I wish everyone a happier healthier New Year. And, as there is no one reading this, I shall continue to send those good wishes out into the universe!!
Carol B
xxx
I have admittedly been very lackadaisical about blogging, and that was due to a few things; depression, illness, family issues etc etc etc, but it was also because I didn't think anyone was reading. Then I remembered something important;
I'm not writing this for anyone else. I'm writing it because I need to write. I physically need to get things out of my head, and down on paper, or out into the ether.
I don't know about you, but I struggle with what can conservatively be termed an 'overly busy mind'. In other words, it never bloody shuts up!! In order to attempt to combat that, I need structure and routine.
Now, in all honesty, this does not sit well with the majority of my personality that wants to be....you know...spontaneous, bohemian, spur of the moment; in other words - FUN. But, actually, structure and routine can be very freeing. It means that, when someone says 'hey (or where I come from 'now then') do you fancy going to the park?', I'm not worrying about all the little jobs that need doing, cooking, cleaning etc etc. I can go, without a care in the world. In reality, of course, this doesn't happen. I'm no more likely to go to the park than fly to the moon, but the possibility is there.
And that's what life is about really. Possibility. I think that we forget that every day, every hour is an opportunity to move towards our goals, big or small. I think we forget, with so much conflict, strife, difficulty and sadness around us, that we were put on the planet to do our best to be happy, to seize joy wherever we can find it, to offer kindness whenever we can.
I wish everyone a happier healthier New Year. And, as there is no one reading this, I shall continue to send those good wishes out into the universe!!
Carol B
xxx
Saturday, 1 November 2014
New Month.
Hello, Lovely Reader!!
I've had my first comment from someone I don't know!!! Anastasia Damaskin, thank you, you made my day!
This week has been very sad for me. My neighbours, Frank and Chris, across the road, have been like an aunt and uncle to me. Nearly, all of my family live on the other side of town, and Frank and Chris have kind of kept an eye on me for years, during my relationship breakup over six years ago, through depression and illness and good times too. Well, Frank died on Tuesday morning, finally losing his fight with cancer. His family had brought him home for his final days, so I actually had the opportunity to see him and tell him how much I loved him.
Frank always told me that he loved me and he thought I was beautiful, no matter how far I'd been dragged through the hedge backwards. Although I know I'm not beautiful, the fact that he thought I was, and genuinely meant it, made me feel better, especially on my darkest days. He also made me laugh like mad, and used to bring any parcels across that the postman had left with them, sometimes refusing to give me the parcel til I told him what was in it. It was always either cds, books or dvds, or American foods from Amazon, like stuff from Bob's Red Mill, or PB2 or Sunwarrior Protein powders. He would always notice if I was losing weight, but never, ever commented when I was gaining. I just always felt like he was on my side, and I can't tell you how important that was to me. Wherever he is now, I hope he's met my Dad, and they're having a laugh.
You see, that's the reason I called this conversations with a hungry heart. I realised a long time ago that what I'm trying to feed isn't physical hunger. I'm lucky enough that I've never been in the position where I couldn't afford to eat. I'm trying to feed a hunger that I can't identify at the moment, and sometimes it's a little overwhelming. This may make me sound like a nutter, but my heart is hungry for......what? I don't know. Just to feel 'good enough', I guess.
My weight, and the issues around it are to do with chronically low self esteem (although I fake confidence so well I deserve a million Oscars) and an appalling lack of self belief. No amount or type of food can fill that gap that just kind of needs a hug. I don't believe people when they give me a compliment, but I have learned to smile and say thank you. I know that sometimes, my disbelief shows on my face. It really doesn't matter what anyone else says, if you don't believe it about yourself. This can obviously be both negative and positive.
At the moment, I'm doing a lot of reading on nutrition, self care, weight issues etc. I realise, through conversations with friends, that a lot of my issues around weight are predominantly in my own head. I had a really illuminating discussion with a friend last week that has actually made me start to wonder if I see myself as I really am. My friend thinks not, and she's a very sane, honest lady. I think I may still see myself as I was when I started this journey over nine stones ago. I am genuinely at a loss as to how to get past that.
If you are so conditioned, or entrenched, in seeing yourself a particular way, how do you start to change that? Especially when visual changes are really scary? Will I still look like me at x weight? Who will I be? What if people don't recognise me? What if I don't recognise me?
The big, well, huge, difference is that this time, I am determined to perservere, to carry on, to get to ...there...wherever there is.It has become almost a biological imperative for me to sort this out, once and for all, for me to realise and fulfil my potential.
So, I will endeavour to wrap Frank's spirit around me, whilst I carry on this journey of discovery, in the hopes that he sees the positive changes.
To all of you who have lost someone that thought you beautiful, even at your worst, give thanks that they touched your life.
Goodnight all.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
I've had my first comment from someone I don't know!!! Anastasia Damaskin, thank you, you made my day!
This week has been very sad for me. My neighbours, Frank and Chris, across the road, have been like an aunt and uncle to me. Nearly, all of my family live on the other side of town, and Frank and Chris have kind of kept an eye on me for years, during my relationship breakup over six years ago, through depression and illness and good times too. Well, Frank died on Tuesday morning, finally losing his fight with cancer. His family had brought him home for his final days, so I actually had the opportunity to see him and tell him how much I loved him.
Frank always told me that he loved me and he thought I was beautiful, no matter how far I'd been dragged through the hedge backwards. Although I know I'm not beautiful, the fact that he thought I was, and genuinely meant it, made me feel better, especially on my darkest days. He also made me laugh like mad, and used to bring any parcels across that the postman had left with them, sometimes refusing to give me the parcel til I told him what was in it. It was always either cds, books or dvds, or American foods from Amazon, like stuff from Bob's Red Mill, or PB2 or Sunwarrior Protein powders. He would always notice if I was losing weight, but never, ever commented when I was gaining. I just always felt like he was on my side, and I can't tell you how important that was to me. Wherever he is now, I hope he's met my Dad, and they're having a laugh.
You see, that's the reason I called this conversations with a hungry heart. I realised a long time ago that what I'm trying to feed isn't physical hunger. I'm lucky enough that I've never been in the position where I couldn't afford to eat. I'm trying to feed a hunger that I can't identify at the moment, and sometimes it's a little overwhelming. This may make me sound like a nutter, but my heart is hungry for......what? I don't know. Just to feel 'good enough', I guess.
My weight, and the issues around it are to do with chronically low self esteem (although I fake confidence so well I deserve a million Oscars) and an appalling lack of self belief. No amount or type of food can fill that gap that just kind of needs a hug. I don't believe people when they give me a compliment, but I have learned to smile and say thank you. I know that sometimes, my disbelief shows on my face. It really doesn't matter what anyone else says, if you don't believe it about yourself. This can obviously be both negative and positive.
At the moment, I'm doing a lot of reading on nutrition, self care, weight issues etc. I realise, through conversations with friends, that a lot of my issues around weight are predominantly in my own head. I had a really illuminating discussion with a friend last week that has actually made me start to wonder if I see myself as I really am. My friend thinks not, and she's a very sane, honest lady. I think I may still see myself as I was when I started this journey over nine stones ago. I am genuinely at a loss as to how to get past that.
If you are so conditioned, or entrenched, in seeing yourself a particular way, how do you start to change that? Especially when visual changes are really scary? Will I still look like me at x weight? Who will I be? What if people don't recognise me? What if I don't recognise me?
The big, well, huge, difference is that this time, I am determined to perservere, to carry on, to get to ...there...wherever there is.It has become almost a biological imperative for me to sort this out, once and for all, for me to realise and fulfil my potential.
So, I will endeavour to wrap Frank's spirit around me, whilst I carry on this journey of discovery, in the hopes that he sees the positive changes.
To all of you who have lost someone that thought you beautiful, even at your worst, give thanks that they touched your life.
Goodnight all.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
Sunday, 26 October 2014
Hello Lovely Reader
I know it's been a little while since I last posted. I've been a bit busy; I went back to work after being ill, and frankly, I was exhausted when I got home on a night!!
The clocks went back here in the UK today. They go forward in Spring and back in Autumn. That means that the nights are really drawing in now, and we are settling in for winter and starting to prepare for Christmas.
I have decided that I am going to lose 2 stones before New Year's Day, 2015. My diet is getting better and better (although I did a chocolate test today; more on that later), but I need to start exercising. Why do I find this so hard? It's always the thing that I have loads of motivation to do in the middle of the night, but come the following day, I just can't seem to get my ass into motion.
Now, to be honest, I do struggle with diabetic neuropathy, so I do have virtually constant pain in my feet (to the extent that they hurt even when asleep), but, I have a stationary cycle. I have weights, I have a Gazelle, I have a weights bench, I have bodyblades and a bodybar, and I'm about to take ownership of a computerised treadmill. I have exercise DVD's from tai ch'i to beachbody, to tae bo. I even have the original Susan Powter DVD, which was the only exercise programme I stuck to when I had it on video. This is all well and good, but until I actually start using them, they're just sitting there, looking lost.
So. I have lost 19 pounds in six weeks. This week, my challenge to myself is to start exercising. In some way, shape or form.
The chocolate test. I've been craving chocolate for about five days. So today, I bought myself a small box of premium quality chocolates. Two hours later, I had raging IBS and vomiting. I felt SO MUCH better immediately after getting it all out of my system. So, I think my body has categorically told me something quite basic; 'I cannot handle chocolate and I desperately want you to stop feeding it to me, please!'. So, that's it. From renowned chocolate eater and a bit of a connoisseur, to no more chocolate for me.
It was a very simple, but very effective (and dramatic) demonstration of how I'm changing. It's exciting, and a little bit scary, too. Overall, I've lost around 9 stones now. But, after staying fairly stable for a couple of years, now the weight has started to come off again, I'm starting to see the changes; my face and neck are more defined. I think my teeth now look too big for my face, but my mum assures me that isn't the case!!
Change is often scary, and often leaves you wondering what's going on. This is where I need the courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other. It's often recommended that you enjoy the process of change, as in treasuring the journey, not just the destination. However, I don't feel particularly secure in the changes that are occurring yet, and I have to still look down at the path I'm walking, as opposed to looking up and enjoying the scenery. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to look up and out, but at the moment, it works for me not to do this.
I'd love to hear from readers how they handle change, and how they approach their journey.
Thank you for reading.
Much love to you and yours.
Carol
xx
I know it's been a little while since I last posted. I've been a bit busy; I went back to work after being ill, and frankly, I was exhausted when I got home on a night!!
The clocks went back here in the UK today. They go forward in Spring and back in Autumn. That means that the nights are really drawing in now, and we are settling in for winter and starting to prepare for Christmas.
I have decided that I am going to lose 2 stones before New Year's Day, 2015. My diet is getting better and better (although I did a chocolate test today; more on that later), but I need to start exercising. Why do I find this so hard? It's always the thing that I have loads of motivation to do in the middle of the night, but come the following day, I just can't seem to get my ass into motion.
Now, to be honest, I do struggle with diabetic neuropathy, so I do have virtually constant pain in my feet (to the extent that they hurt even when asleep), but, I have a stationary cycle. I have weights, I have a Gazelle, I have a weights bench, I have bodyblades and a bodybar, and I'm about to take ownership of a computerised treadmill. I have exercise DVD's from tai ch'i to beachbody, to tae bo. I even have the original Susan Powter DVD, which was the only exercise programme I stuck to when I had it on video. This is all well and good, but until I actually start using them, they're just sitting there, looking lost.
So. I have lost 19 pounds in six weeks. This week, my challenge to myself is to start exercising. In some way, shape or form.
The chocolate test. I've been craving chocolate for about five days. So today, I bought myself a small box of premium quality chocolates. Two hours later, I had raging IBS and vomiting. I felt SO MUCH better immediately after getting it all out of my system. So, I think my body has categorically told me something quite basic; 'I cannot handle chocolate and I desperately want you to stop feeding it to me, please!'. So, that's it. From renowned chocolate eater and a bit of a connoisseur, to no more chocolate for me.
It was a very simple, but very effective (and dramatic) demonstration of how I'm changing. It's exciting, and a little bit scary, too. Overall, I've lost around 9 stones now. But, after staying fairly stable for a couple of years, now the weight has started to come off again, I'm starting to see the changes; my face and neck are more defined. I think my teeth now look too big for my face, but my mum assures me that isn't the case!!
Change is often scary, and often leaves you wondering what's going on. This is where I need the courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other. It's often recommended that you enjoy the process of change, as in treasuring the journey, not just the destination. However, I don't feel particularly secure in the changes that are occurring yet, and I have to still look down at the path I'm walking, as opposed to looking up and enjoying the scenery. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to look up and out, but at the moment, it works for me not to do this.
I'd love to hear from readers how they handle change, and how they approach their journey.
Thank you for reading.
Much love to you and yours.
Carol
xx
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Motivation
Hello Lovely Reader,
Today's blog is about that often elusive concept; Motivation.
We often assume for a number of reasons that motivation is extrinsic to us. That is, that the Golden Fairy of Motivation will come and dust us with fairy dust, and then we will never have to struggle again. We also seem to operate on the understanding that once we have motivation, it will not desert us, and we will never have to struggle again!
As each and every person knows, these beliefs are simply...not true. That darned Fairy seems to have forgotten where I live entirely, and I regularly run out of motivation, or it just ups and dies on me for no known reason.
The other thing is that there is no one size fits all, generic motivation. What works for me, may very well not work for you. This is because we are very different people, with different backgrounds, lifestyle preferences, cultures and experiences.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word 'motivation' as 'the reason, or reasons, for acting or behaving in a particular way'. This means that essentially, we are motivated to behave in a particular way because we want a specific outcome. Take that idea one step further, and it becomes clear that the more we want that specific outcome, the more motivated we will be to behave in that particular way.
Where we often get in our own way is in starting that particular behaviour. I said the other day that I believe that change occurs when we hit rock bottom, when we get to the point of having had enough of a specific situation or circumstance. At that point, I believe the seed of change is sown.
That is when we get really fired up and keen. 'That's it! I've had enough! I. Am. Done!'. This is the point we need to take note and be careful. The energy inherent in making that decision to change must be harnessed and used wisely. If we go gung ho and race around like mad things, without a plan or without direction, that energy disperses and we are often left in the same place exhausted, frustrated and beaten down. If we harness the energy, take a little halfstep back and decide precisely where we want to be, we have more chance of actually starting the journey to get there. You know like Olympic long jumpers or high jumpers will often take a half step back before starting to run? A bit like that. In that halfstep, you can see the determination of reaching that goal set in their faces.
Change is usually inspired because we have had enough of a bad situation, not because we want more of a good situation. Anthony Robbins posits that a human being will do more to avoid pain than they will to attain pleasure. I think this is possibly an evolutionary thing. You'd work harder to run away from the predator that was nipping at your heels than you would run just to jump into a river to cool down when you were too hot. Make sense?
So, we need to channel the energy, keep in mind what we want to get away from, and the reasons for wanting to get away from it, and then focus on the outcome, the goal, the destination we want. The path to the attainment of that goal is highly unlikely to run in a straight line and is equally unlikely to run smoothly. This is where the phrase 'keep your eye on the end game' comes in extremely handy for me. So we start with a small but determined step. And then we take another. And another. And this is where the magic starts to happen.
Because, I believe that motivation comes from doing, from taking action, from actually moving towards whatever it is that is your desired destination. I think it's almost entirely intrinsic, in that we create our own motivation. I can't give you motivation. I may be able to inspire you to find your own motivation though. Imagine this; there you are sitting on your sofa watching Extreme Makeover, shovelling M&M's into your mouth so quickly you don't even taste them, and by the end of the programme, you think 'Hmmm. Well, I could never do that, it won't work for me. And I'm sure I've been short changed in that bag of sweets, because it's empty and I hardly had any!'. All of the initial energy of change has just drained away. In the alternative version, you're watching that programme and you think 'Wow. Look at that! He/She is just an ordinary person and look what they're doing. I'll seal this bag of sweets and save them for another time and really listen to this, to see if there are any pointers I can pick up, because I want to lose a bit of weight. Hmmm. Well, they've just cut out sweets and fried foods. That wouldn't be so hard to do. I know if they can do that, I'm sure I can'. There. Right there. THAT is the seed of change. That openness to the possibility that you can change. So you cut out the sweets and fried foods. And, even more than losing weight, you realise that, actually, you feel a little better, you have a little more energy, you don't feel quite so..gunked up. And you think, 'Yeah, I like this. I didn't realise I always felt quite so .....off colour. I really don't want to go back to feeling like that. So, what else could I change? I know, I could have a few more veggies with dinner. Chicken fajitas? Lovely! I'll just have more of the peppers and onions, and a bit less of the sour cream and cheese. And maybe I'll take a little walk just down to the postbox and back after dinner. Couldn't hurt, right?'. And because you're actually taking action and seeing/feeling changes, you are endorsing that feeling of your own possibility for change. You are actually proving to yourself that you can do it. In effect, becoming your own self fulfilling prophecy. See? Motivation comes from doing.
I realise this is a very simplistic scenario, but most change comes from a simple decision. If you then work on the principle that there are going to be blips and roadblocks, that the more you sustain your changes and get right back on track, the more you keep your eye on the end goal, correcting the little detours and realising that you are human, the more likely you are to achieve what you want to achieve. It may take time, and you may make lots of mistakes, but if you keep on keeping on, not only will you get to where you want to be, you may even get to somewhere better.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
Today's blog is about that often elusive concept; Motivation.
We often assume for a number of reasons that motivation is extrinsic to us. That is, that the Golden Fairy of Motivation will come and dust us with fairy dust, and then we will never have to struggle again. We also seem to operate on the understanding that once we have motivation, it will not desert us, and we will never have to struggle again!
As each and every person knows, these beliefs are simply...not true. That darned Fairy seems to have forgotten where I live entirely, and I regularly run out of motivation, or it just ups and dies on me for no known reason.
The other thing is that there is no one size fits all, generic motivation. What works for me, may very well not work for you. This is because we are very different people, with different backgrounds, lifestyle preferences, cultures and experiences.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word 'motivation' as 'the reason, or reasons, for acting or behaving in a particular way'. This means that essentially, we are motivated to behave in a particular way because we want a specific outcome. Take that idea one step further, and it becomes clear that the more we want that specific outcome, the more motivated we will be to behave in that particular way.
Where we often get in our own way is in starting that particular behaviour. I said the other day that I believe that change occurs when we hit rock bottom, when we get to the point of having had enough of a specific situation or circumstance. At that point, I believe the seed of change is sown.
That is when we get really fired up and keen. 'That's it! I've had enough! I. Am. Done!'. This is the point we need to take note and be careful. The energy inherent in making that decision to change must be harnessed and used wisely. If we go gung ho and race around like mad things, without a plan or without direction, that energy disperses and we are often left in the same place exhausted, frustrated and beaten down. If we harness the energy, take a little halfstep back and decide precisely where we want to be, we have more chance of actually starting the journey to get there. You know like Olympic long jumpers or high jumpers will often take a half step back before starting to run? A bit like that. In that halfstep, you can see the determination of reaching that goal set in their faces.
Change is usually inspired because we have had enough of a bad situation, not because we want more of a good situation. Anthony Robbins posits that a human being will do more to avoid pain than they will to attain pleasure. I think this is possibly an evolutionary thing. You'd work harder to run away from the predator that was nipping at your heels than you would run just to jump into a river to cool down when you were too hot. Make sense?
So, we need to channel the energy, keep in mind what we want to get away from, and the reasons for wanting to get away from it, and then focus on the outcome, the goal, the destination we want. The path to the attainment of that goal is highly unlikely to run in a straight line and is equally unlikely to run smoothly. This is where the phrase 'keep your eye on the end game' comes in extremely handy for me. So we start with a small but determined step. And then we take another. And another. And this is where the magic starts to happen.
Because, I believe that motivation comes from doing, from taking action, from actually moving towards whatever it is that is your desired destination. I think it's almost entirely intrinsic, in that we create our own motivation. I can't give you motivation. I may be able to inspire you to find your own motivation though. Imagine this; there you are sitting on your sofa watching Extreme Makeover, shovelling M&M's into your mouth so quickly you don't even taste them, and by the end of the programme, you think 'Hmmm. Well, I could never do that, it won't work for me. And I'm sure I've been short changed in that bag of sweets, because it's empty and I hardly had any!'. All of the initial energy of change has just drained away. In the alternative version, you're watching that programme and you think 'Wow. Look at that! He/She is just an ordinary person and look what they're doing. I'll seal this bag of sweets and save them for another time and really listen to this, to see if there are any pointers I can pick up, because I want to lose a bit of weight. Hmmm. Well, they've just cut out sweets and fried foods. That wouldn't be so hard to do. I know if they can do that, I'm sure I can'. There. Right there. THAT is the seed of change. That openness to the possibility that you can change. So you cut out the sweets and fried foods. And, even more than losing weight, you realise that, actually, you feel a little better, you have a little more energy, you don't feel quite so..gunked up. And you think, 'Yeah, I like this. I didn't realise I always felt quite so .....off colour. I really don't want to go back to feeling like that. So, what else could I change? I know, I could have a few more veggies with dinner. Chicken fajitas? Lovely! I'll just have more of the peppers and onions, and a bit less of the sour cream and cheese. And maybe I'll take a little walk just down to the postbox and back after dinner. Couldn't hurt, right?'. And because you're actually taking action and seeing/feeling changes, you are endorsing that feeling of your own possibility for change. You are actually proving to yourself that you can do it. In effect, becoming your own self fulfilling prophecy. See? Motivation comes from doing.
I realise this is a very simplistic scenario, but most change comes from a simple decision. If you then work on the principle that there are going to be blips and roadblocks, that the more you sustain your changes and get right back on track, the more you keep your eye on the end goal, correcting the little detours and realising that you are human, the more likely you are to achieve what you want to achieve. It may take time, and you may make lots of mistakes, but if you keep on keeping on, not only will you get to where you want to be, you may even get to somewhere better.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol
xxx
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Internet Problems
Good morning, Lovely Reader!
I realise that there is a very strong possibility that no-one is reading my blog at all, but I like to write it as if I were having a chat with someone. It gives me focus, and stops me rambling quite so much.
I have had problems with my internet for a few days, which is why I haven't posted. It is now past midnight, and I am at work in the morning, so this will be brief!
I feel very motivated at the moment. I can feel and am starting to see the changes in my body shape. Today, I had to visit my old employer, and the senior engineer, whom I haven't seen for six and a half years, was really shocked at how much I'd changed since he last saw me. It's so nice to hear sincere compliments when you have become accustomed to your current appearance. I lost a lot of weight just after I left there, but have been stable, but yo-yoing a bit for around four years now, so, of course, my current appearance is boringly normal to me. So his compliments were a very pleasant reminder of just how far I've come. It's taken me about ten years, so far, but now that the weight is starting to come off again, it was a lovely little boost.
Also today, my home study nutrition course arrived! I was thrilled, as I wasn't expecting it til the weekend. Looking at the test paper, there are only about four questions that I don't know the answer to, but looking at the 'textbooks' and the online material, it looks quite intense. I'm going to start it on Saturday.
I also popped into the health shop today, to buy my multivitamins, ALA and a large jar of organic coconut oil. Whilst I was there, I asked the shopowner if he could recommend any supplements to help with a leaky gut. So, I bought some L-Glutamine on his advice, as that seems to be recommended for everything to do with the digestive system and it's many problems, from IBS to ulcerative colitis. I'll just wait and see how it goes.
And on that note, I hope you all have a lovely day!
love
Carol
I realise that there is a very strong possibility that no-one is reading my blog at all, but I like to write it as if I were having a chat with someone. It gives me focus, and stops me rambling quite so much.
I have had problems with my internet for a few days, which is why I haven't posted. It is now past midnight, and I am at work in the morning, so this will be brief!
I feel very motivated at the moment. I can feel and am starting to see the changes in my body shape. Today, I had to visit my old employer, and the senior engineer, whom I haven't seen for six and a half years, was really shocked at how much I'd changed since he last saw me. It's so nice to hear sincere compliments when you have become accustomed to your current appearance. I lost a lot of weight just after I left there, but have been stable, but yo-yoing a bit for around four years now, so, of course, my current appearance is boringly normal to me. So his compliments were a very pleasant reminder of just how far I've come. It's taken me about ten years, so far, but now that the weight is starting to come off again, it was a lovely little boost.
Also today, my home study nutrition course arrived! I was thrilled, as I wasn't expecting it til the weekend. Looking at the test paper, there are only about four questions that I don't know the answer to, but looking at the 'textbooks' and the online material, it looks quite intense. I'm going to start it on Saturday.
I also popped into the health shop today, to buy my multivitamins, ALA and a large jar of organic coconut oil. Whilst I was there, I asked the shopowner if he could recommend any supplements to help with a leaky gut. So, I bought some L-Glutamine on his advice, as that seems to be recommended for everything to do with the digestive system and it's many problems, from IBS to ulcerative colitis. I'll just wait and see how it goes.
And on that note, I hope you all have a lovely day!
love
Carol
Friday, 10 October 2014
The Day After the Night Before
Hello, Lovely Reader
Well, I have to say, I'm really tired today, because I was up til 4am, looking at title fonts, backgrounds etc for the blog. It had taken me such a long time to decide on a name (I'm talking months), then once I had that, the blog was there within 24 hours. And, true to form, then I wanted to tinker with it all night. Eventually, my beautiful boy, could stand it no longer, and miaowed until I went to bed!
I think that is something that applies to a lot of us; we wait to start something until 'the Perfect Moment'. Of course, if it is a marriage proposal, it has to have some forethought, because you want it to be extra special and memorable.
But what if it is something that you really want to change about yourself, and you don't start to change until you have that perfect moment? Well, you could be waiting a very long time.
I think that, so often, we want something so badly, that we wait until we have no problems, no obstacles, the stars are all aligned and the sun is in the seventh house of Usher, that we never actually start it. I know I do this.
I've come to realise over the years that this procrastination can stem from fear. Certainly fear of failure, but also, especially in my case, fear of success. We live in a society that is very much goal oriented, very much driven by the trappings of material wealth and celebrity. So, fear of failing to achieve a goal that we have set ourselves can actually prevent us from starting. It can certainly prevent us from fully committing to change. But, if we don't even start, we're never going to achieve, and we've already set ourselves up to fail.
And as for fear of success? I've been very overweight my whole life. It's desperately uncomfortable, but it's what I know. So, curiously, it's my comfort zone. I know how to interact with people at this weight. I know what is expected of me. I know who I am. Because I've never been slim, I have no idea what that involves. What if I change into someone that isn't very likeable? What will people want from me? I'm lucky enough to have a kind of natural authority, which partly stems from my stature. What if I lose that? It would certainly affect my role in my working life. I don't know how to be, much less who to be!!
But I do know that this fear is keeping me trapped in a form that is becoming more and more unhealthy. As I approach my fifth decade, I also know that, more than anything, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want the figure that I've always dreamed of. Yes, it is scary. But the potential consequences of not changing have now become even scarier.
I think big changes often come from the little things. That little thought that says, 'I'm done. I've had enough.' That little thought that sits in our being like a small, smooth, heavy pebble of certainty. And then we take one tiny step away from what it is that we no longer want. No fanfare, no conscious decision, no getting our ducks in a row.
Just one tiny step.
And suddenly, just like that, we've started the process of change.
Much love
Carol B
xxx
Well, I have to say, I'm really tired today, because I was up til 4am, looking at title fonts, backgrounds etc for the blog. It had taken me such a long time to decide on a name (I'm talking months), then once I had that, the blog was there within 24 hours. And, true to form, then I wanted to tinker with it all night. Eventually, my beautiful boy, could stand it no longer, and miaowed until I went to bed!
I think that is something that applies to a lot of us; we wait to start something until 'the Perfect Moment'. Of course, if it is a marriage proposal, it has to have some forethought, because you want it to be extra special and memorable.
But what if it is something that you really want to change about yourself, and you don't start to change until you have that perfect moment? Well, you could be waiting a very long time.
I think that, so often, we want something so badly, that we wait until we have no problems, no obstacles, the stars are all aligned and the sun is in the seventh house of Usher, that we never actually start it. I know I do this.
I've come to realise over the years that this procrastination can stem from fear. Certainly fear of failure, but also, especially in my case, fear of success. We live in a society that is very much goal oriented, very much driven by the trappings of material wealth and celebrity. So, fear of failing to achieve a goal that we have set ourselves can actually prevent us from starting. It can certainly prevent us from fully committing to change. But, if we don't even start, we're never going to achieve, and we've already set ourselves up to fail.
And as for fear of success? I've been very overweight my whole life. It's desperately uncomfortable, but it's what I know. So, curiously, it's my comfort zone. I know how to interact with people at this weight. I know what is expected of me. I know who I am. Because I've never been slim, I have no idea what that involves. What if I change into someone that isn't very likeable? What will people want from me? I'm lucky enough to have a kind of natural authority, which partly stems from my stature. What if I lose that? It would certainly affect my role in my working life. I don't know how to be, much less who to be!!
But I do know that this fear is keeping me trapped in a form that is becoming more and more unhealthy. As I approach my fifth decade, I also know that, more than anything, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want the figure that I've always dreamed of. Yes, it is scary. But the potential consequences of not changing have now become even scarier.
I think big changes often come from the little things. That little thought that says, 'I'm done. I've had enough.' That little thought that sits in our being like a small, smooth, heavy pebble of certainty. And then we take one tiny step away from what it is that we no longer want. No fanfare, no conscious decision, no getting our ducks in a row.
Just one tiny step.
And suddenly, just like that, we've started the process of change.
Much love
Carol B
xxx
Thursday, 9 October 2014
You Had Me At Hello!
Hello, Lovely Reader!
Wow! I've only gone and blummen done it! I've set up my own blog. It's something I've wanted to do for ages, but I didn't have the confidence to.
I've been posting as a contributor to a couple of other sites and was encouraged by the responses, and people kept suggesting I do a blog of my own. So, here I am!
I suppose I'd best tell you a bit about myself, and why I've set up the blog;
My name is Carol B. I am English and live in the East Riding of Yorkshire. I'm currently 46, and happily single and I live with my huge ginger tom Maine Coon, who is the love of my life. I don't think there are enough single women in the world with cats, do you?
I have a rather large weight problem, and that will be an intrinsic part of my posts. Now, before you start saying, 'oh, not another weight loss blog', let me say; 'no. It's about much more than that.' It's about potential, motivation, inspiration and insight. Hopefully, it will sometimes make you laugh, other times I hope to support you and still more times I hope to inspire you.
It's about starting a dialogue, a conversation (see what I did there?), both with me and with yourself, about the things in your life that you want to change.
As time goes on, and we get to know each other, hopefully, we can start the process of change, and continue to develop our potential together.
I genuinely believe that inside every person is a better person trying to get out. Sometimes, we just need a kick in the pants, and sometimes, we just need a bit of a hand holding. Hopefully, we can do that for each other.
I will warn you up front that I'm a little ...technically challenged, but I am going to try to post photos, quotes etc etc. It just may take me a little longer than the average 90 year old to learn how to do it! Also, and this is important; words are my 'thing'. I've never believed in using one word when ten will do, but bear with me when I go a-rambling, because there will be a point. I promise.
So, there we are, first post done! That wasn't so bad, was it??
Thanks for reading!
Much love
Carol B
xxx
Wow! I've only gone and blummen done it! I've set up my own blog. It's something I've wanted to do for ages, but I didn't have the confidence to.
I've been posting as a contributor to a couple of other sites and was encouraged by the responses, and people kept suggesting I do a blog of my own. So, here I am!
I suppose I'd best tell you a bit about myself, and why I've set up the blog;
My name is Carol B. I am English and live in the East Riding of Yorkshire. I'm currently 46, and happily single and I live with my huge ginger tom Maine Coon, who is the love of my life. I don't think there are enough single women in the world with cats, do you?
I have a rather large weight problem, and that will be an intrinsic part of my posts. Now, before you start saying, 'oh, not another weight loss blog', let me say; 'no. It's about much more than that.' It's about potential, motivation, inspiration and insight. Hopefully, it will sometimes make you laugh, other times I hope to support you and still more times I hope to inspire you.
It's about starting a dialogue, a conversation (see what I did there?), both with me and with yourself, about the things in your life that you want to change.
As time goes on, and we get to know each other, hopefully, we can start the process of change, and continue to develop our potential together.
I genuinely believe that inside every person is a better person trying to get out. Sometimes, we just need a kick in the pants, and sometimes, we just need a bit of a hand holding. Hopefully, we can do that for each other.
I will warn you up front that I'm a little ...technically challenged, but I am going to try to post photos, quotes etc etc. It just may take me a little longer than the average 90 year old to learn how to do it! Also, and this is important; words are my 'thing'. I've never believed in using one word when ten will do, but bear with me when I go a-rambling, because there will be a point. I promise.
So, there we are, first post done! That wasn't so bad, was it??
Thanks for reading!
Much love
Carol B
xxx
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