Hello Lovely Reader!!
Before I explain the title, let me bring you up to speed;
I am currently staying at my mum's house, looking after her house and her cat whilst mum is in hospital. She is very poorly. I don't know when she will be coming home, or if. Only time will tell. But she's quite spirited, so you never know. That sounds really grim, and I don't mean it like that. I'm trying to be really positive, but remain realistic too.
So, my older sister and brother in law that live with my mum have gone on holiday to India, a much needed break. But right up to about ten minutes before the taxi arrived to take them to the airport, they were thinking of cancelling the holiday. I virtually pushed them out of the door, saying that if anything really critical comes up, I will contact them immediately.
On top of this, my eldest sister and brother in law have come back off their holiday. My sister is really ill, and was during the holiday, with something to do with her breathing (she has asthma). Her husband is waiting for test results, as he potentially has a tropical disease!
So, there's just me doing most of the visits (assisted by niece and niece in law), and the shopping and the clearing of cat litter etc etc etc!! Good job I'm used to coping with things on my own!! Because this is what happened to me....
I decided at the end of January that I was going to start running. I'd done some research on www.toofattorun.co.uk and The Angry Jogger. So, I ordered some lovely new Nike Lunarglide 7 running shoes, and I was all psyched up and ready to go, get started before I moved into mum's.
I've always wanted to be a runner, and it features regularly in my dreams. I don't know where this impetus comes from. I could run when I was at school (sprints, not endurance), and I used to cycle a lot too, but then I left school and started work and passed my driving test....
It occurred to me whilst watching the horror of the New York attacks on 9/11 that if I had been there, I would not have survived, purely because I wouldn't have been able to run away, certainly not at the weight I was then. I know that's morbid, but it was quite a shocking realisation. In an emergency, I would not be able to protect myself in that most ancient and basic of ways; by running away. Everyone of my generation would be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment they first heard of or saw the attacks, much in the same way as the assassination of President Kennedy, or the space shuttle exploding that was carrying Christa McAuliffe. The moments when our lives change, never to return to what we once knew. But my life changed in a more visceral and personal way - I knew, without any doubt, that I had to start to change my body. I also knew, in the back of my head that one day, one day, I would be able to run. I would be able to find that peaceful silence that would hopefully still my ever-churning thoughts.
Added to this, I have a lovely friend at work who does a local park run every Saturday. I asked her why she does it, why she started and her answer was so beautiful; because it has such a sense of community and camaraderie, and it's so peaceful and quiet;
'I stopped at East Park to give the pooch a good walk, when something magical happened. Around 500 people were there doing laps around the lake and the sun was shimmering off the water, birds singing in the trees and the rhythmic drum of the stream of people's footsteps passing me. It was tranquil. {at the end} every single one of them was smiling. So that's where it started, I quite simply went for a walk'.
Isn't that beautiful? I was so inspired.
Then, on February 5th, I fell in the bath, and broke a toe on my right foot, and broke the 5th metatarsal on my left foot!! My Nikes arrived on that day too, adding insult to blummen injury!! So, I was ordered to have complete rest for 4 weeks whilst wearing a cast, and stay off my foot as much as possible. Obviously, with what's going on in my life right now, as outlined above, that is just not possible, but I am trying to rest it as much as I can. I have to go back in around three weeks for further x rays.
And the first question I will be asking is 'when can I start walking, with a view to start running?'. I can't wait to see his face. The concept of someone my size running will either blow his mind or make him laugh, I think.
But although my plan has suffered a setback, that's all it is. A set back, a slight delay. It's still going to happen!!
I'll keep you posted. And as for my beautiful friend who doesn't realise how beautiful she is, or how eloquent she is, I will be forever grateful, for clarifying something I didn't realise I needed. Tranquillity.
Much love and blessings to you all.
Carol
xxxx
Saturday, 20 February 2016
Thursday, 14 January 2016
Midnight Rambler
Hello Dear Reader
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
well, I've started using my planner, and actually scheduling a time to blog seems like a good idea.
I've had so many compliments this weel from colleagues about how much weight I've lost, and that I've lost it really quickly, it's been quite amusing. I haven't lost it quickly, I've just bought some new trousers that actually fit! Also, I've made the effort to start wearing a bit of makeup again, and it seems I'm a whole new person.
I can't deny that the compliments have given my ego a real boost - I've never had this level of recognition before, so it's gratifying, but, this is my concern;
normally, when anyone starts acknowledging that I look different/slimmer, I stop what I've been doing to get that way and I pile the weight back on. I fear change, I don't like attention about my weight (because I can't handle it) and the thought of looking different kind of scares me. I can remember the first time, many years ago, that I saw my collarbones. I was so freaked out, I immediately put all the weight back on, and more, just to cover them back up. Weird, or what??
So, this time, I'm trying to accept the compliments graciously and just kind of ignore them. Part of me thinks I ought to write them down, so I can read them when I feel I'm getting nowhere, but I don't know. I have to really hold in my mind that I'm doing this for my health, but I am vain enough to want to look good too. Actually, I'd be happy with looking normal, never mind anything else!
The public acknowledgement of the visual changes are a bit of a double edged sword.
What aspects of weight loss success scare you, and how do you deal with it? I really hope someone reads this, because I would genuinely like to know!!
Take care, much love,
Carol
xx
Friday, 8 January 2016
Wow! Another New Year!
Hello Dear Reader
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
here I am , in the middle of the night, when I should be in bed, and I'm writing a blog post. Why? Because I just wanted to put something out there;
I love the newness of a new year. I dislike New Years Eve, but I like the new year. I love that it's a whole new chapter, a fresh start that is full of possibility, full of options, full of choice, full of opportunities, full of chance.
As I am now 48, and I potentially only have 20-30 new years left, if I'm lucky - I'm going to make this one count!!
I hope all your dreams come true.
Carol B
xx
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
The Road to Hell.....
Hello, Dear Reader
As you will know, the end of that quotation is 'paved with good intentions'. My own particular road certainly is.
It's now 11.36pm on 16th June. I haven't had dinner (evening meal) and nor have I done any planning. Grrrr. I'm mad at myself and disappointed too.
And today, that's all I have to say.
Much love to you
Carol
xx
(as you can probably tell, I'm a bit fed up!)
As you will know, the end of that quotation is 'paved with good intentions'. My own particular road certainly is.
It's now 11.36pm on 16th June. I haven't had dinner (evening meal) and nor have I done any planning. Grrrr. I'm mad at myself and disappointed too.
And today, that's all I have to say.
Much love to you
Carol
xx
(as you can probably tell, I'm a bit fed up!)
Sunday, 31 May 2015
A New Low - in a Good Way!!
Hello Readers
I've hit a new low! I'm now the lowest weight I've been in 28 years and I'm finally - finally! - under my next major number! I'm so pleased and a little bit proud of myself. By the way, the reason I don't publish the numbers is because, strangely, I don't want this blog to be just about that ( I will post them at the end of my journey, probably). We are all so much more than the numbers on the scale, and yet we all inevitably define ourselves by that. Wouldn't it be marvellous if weight, size, shape, gender, colour, race, religion, sexuality all became irrelevant, and it all became about who you are at your core? Utopian and naive, I know, but can you imagine how liberating it would be? How freeing? Part of my original reason of wanting to start a blog was because I wanted to reach out to others, to connect. And because I wanted to have a reason to write regularly, as I find it incredibly cathartic. Writing something down makes it easier to 'see' what's going on and to put it in the wider perspective. To give my thoughts context, I suppose. The act of writing gives me clarity.
Even though it is the early hours of the morning here in England, it is technically the first of June, so today, I am recommencing Eating Clean - this means.....planning. I'm not great at sitting down and planning meals. Mainly because I'm genuinely not that interested in food. Now, I know this may seem a little bit ironic for someone who had reached such a massive weight, but, over the last few years, I have been on a drug called exenatide (for diabetes) and because of the way it works, it slows down how your body processes food and drinks. The upshot of this is that I rarely feel hunger. Combine this with living in my own, and not seeing the point in cooking....can you see where I'm going with this?
However, I know that Eating Clean improves my health, gives me more energy, makes my skin look better and, best of all, balances my blood sugars. You'd think this would be a no brainer, right? Wrong; I just find it incredibly difficult to sit down and plan a menu. I've tried all sorts of ways to do it - a few days at a time, a full week, a rough plan for a month, one day at a time - and I just struggle. I think that it's the commitment. I know that people who write down their goals are more than 80% more likely to achieve them. I've come to think that I have an inherent lack of faith in my ability to carry out the planned menu, a lack of belief in myself. I always leave it too late to start cooking, I find meal prep boring and I usually end up throwing away what I've bought, which, in this day and age of more and more people relying on food banks and soup kitchens is disgraceful, if not obscene.
So, I've come to a decision. I have to quit stalling, quit moaning and quit delaying and just get on with it. The other irony is that I really believe in Eating Clean; I am currently doing a home study course in nutrition, and I've always been a proponent of food being what our bodies are built with; we literally are what we eat.
I remember being about 17 and getting magazines imported from the USA (Muscle and Fitness Hers and that sort of thing), because you just couldn't buy them here, and those magazines were so advanced on nutrition and exercise. I can't begin to tell you how educated I am on these subjects, but I have not so far put them consistently into practice. That's why the Eat Clean movement is so important to me and for me - the availability of information now is mind-blowing, and it has simplified all of that early information and made it accessible. The diagnosis of IBS kicked my butt to an extent, but I don't want to go completely grain-free. I don't think I could go Paleo, for example. However, I do believe that over 80 per cent of all illness can be attributed to lifestyle, specifically what we choose to feed ourselves.
June 1st - I first started Eating Clean in June last year, so it seems a good time to fully commit, on my one year anniversary, to a lifestyle of supporting and caring for myself by nourishing myself properly. And that means...planning. And food prep - I'm intending to do it once or twice a week. Surely that will make it more achievable??
How do you plan? What do you do? I'd love to hear.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xxx
I've hit a new low! I'm now the lowest weight I've been in 28 years and I'm finally - finally! - under my next major number! I'm so pleased and a little bit proud of myself. By the way, the reason I don't publish the numbers is because, strangely, I don't want this blog to be just about that ( I will post them at the end of my journey, probably). We are all so much more than the numbers on the scale, and yet we all inevitably define ourselves by that. Wouldn't it be marvellous if weight, size, shape, gender, colour, race, religion, sexuality all became irrelevant, and it all became about who you are at your core? Utopian and naive, I know, but can you imagine how liberating it would be? How freeing? Part of my original reason of wanting to start a blog was because I wanted to reach out to others, to connect. And because I wanted to have a reason to write regularly, as I find it incredibly cathartic. Writing something down makes it easier to 'see' what's going on and to put it in the wider perspective. To give my thoughts context, I suppose. The act of writing gives me clarity.
Even though it is the early hours of the morning here in England, it is technically the first of June, so today, I am recommencing Eating Clean - this means.....planning. I'm not great at sitting down and planning meals. Mainly because I'm genuinely not that interested in food. Now, I know this may seem a little bit ironic for someone who had reached such a massive weight, but, over the last few years, I have been on a drug called exenatide (for diabetes) and because of the way it works, it slows down how your body processes food and drinks. The upshot of this is that I rarely feel hunger. Combine this with living in my own, and not seeing the point in cooking....can you see where I'm going with this?
However, I know that Eating Clean improves my health, gives me more energy, makes my skin look better and, best of all, balances my blood sugars. You'd think this would be a no brainer, right? Wrong; I just find it incredibly difficult to sit down and plan a menu. I've tried all sorts of ways to do it - a few days at a time, a full week, a rough plan for a month, one day at a time - and I just struggle. I think that it's the commitment. I know that people who write down their goals are more than 80% more likely to achieve them. I've come to think that I have an inherent lack of faith in my ability to carry out the planned menu, a lack of belief in myself. I always leave it too late to start cooking, I find meal prep boring and I usually end up throwing away what I've bought, which, in this day and age of more and more people relying on food banks and soup kitchens is disgraceful, if not obscene.
So, I've come to a decision. I have to quit stalling, quit moaning and quit delaying and just get on with it. The other irony is that I really believe in Eating Clean; I am currently doing a home study course in nutrition, and I've always been a proponent of food being what our bodies are built with; we literally are what we eat.
I remember being about 17 and getting magazines imported from the USA (Muscle and Fitness Hers and that sort of thing), because you just couldn't buy them here, and those magazines were so advanced on nutrition and exercise. I can't begin to tell you how educated I am on these subjects, but I have not so far put them consistently into practice. That's why the Eat Clean movement is so important to me and for me - the availability of information now is mind-blowing, and it has simplified all of that early information and made it accessible. The diagnosis of IBS kicked my butt to an extent, but I don't want to go completely grain-free. I don't think I could go Paleo, for example. However, I do believe that over 80 per cent of all illness can be attributed to lifestyle, specifically what we choose to feed ourselves.
June 1st - I first started Eating Clean in June last year, so it seems a good time to fully commit, on my one year anniversary, to a lifestyle of supporting and caring for myself by nourishing myself properly. And that means...planning. And food prep - I'm intending to do it once or twice a week. Surely that will make it more achievable??
How do you plan? What do you do? I'd love to hear.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xxx
Monday, 25 May 2015
A Bit of Meandering...
Hello Reader
It has been a Bank Holiday weekend this weekend in the UK. That means we get Monday off, making it a long weekend. My one goal this weekend was to make a start on the garden....
For those with partners, spouses, children etc, Bank Holidays are great. For those of us who are single, but all our friends are married with kids etc, this is not so good. In fact, it can get pretty lonely and dull.
However, I have made sure that I've done something productive each day, and something each day for me to enjoy. Of course there have been many, many cups of tea drunk! And, I've enjoyed having the time to just....be. To lay with my beloved cat and watch the clouds go by, listening to him purr, as I scratch his ears.
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet someone that I really want to be with, that wants to be with me. Who knows? Although I always felt that I wouldn't get married, I didn't think I would grow old single. Luckily, I have good friends (even the married ones!) and a loving family, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. All in all; Pretty Damn Blessed.
I forgot to get weighed this weekend, so I don't know where I'm at on the scale. However, my clothes are feeling looser. I have been faffing around and not eating well and I seriously cannot remember the last time I exercised.
One of my goals this year was to lose seven stones. I'm nowehere on track with that, but if I make changes now I can be closer to my target than if I don't start.
I suffer quite badly with perfectionismitis. This means that if I am not 100 % perfect in achieving something, I give up. You will know if you have read my blog before that I am a keen follower of The Flylady (www.flylady.net), and she has taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism, and that housework done incorrectly still blesses your home. I need to start expanding this concept to other things; at the moment I expect myself to Eat Clean 100 % and start exercising daily for an hour. This approach is clearly not working for me AT ALL. So, for the remainder of this week, I'm going to try to eat something healthy at each meal and exercise for 15 minutes each day. Just gentle movement. Nothing mental. I've noticed since Christmas that I am getting more and more stiff each day - I actually feel like I'm seizing up! Well, of course I am because I'm not moving!!
So, that's the plan. Eating a bit better and moving a bit more. I'll let you know how I got on. the 'good' thing is that people have started noticing I'm losing weight. I actually find this a little disturbing, because I don't know how to handle the praise or the recognition. So, I'm just saying thank you and moving the conversation on.
I hope you have a good week and move a little closer to your goals.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xx
ps I didn't do the garden!
It has been a Bank Holiday weekend this weekend in the UK. That means we get Monday off, making it a long weekend. My one goal this weekend was to make a start on the garden....
For those with partners, spouses, children etc, Bank Holidays are great. For those of us who are single, but all our friends are married with kids etc, this is not so good. In fact, it can get pretty lonely and dull.
However, I have made sure that I've done something productive each day, and something each day for me to enjoy. Of course there have been many, many cups of tea drunk! And, I've enjoyed having the time to just....be. To lay with my beloved cat and watch the clouds go by, listening to him purr, as I scratch his ears.
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet someone that I really want to be with, that wants to be with me. Who knows? Although I always felt that I wouldn't get married, I didn't think I would grow old single. Luckily, I have good friends (even the married ones!) and a loving family, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. All in all; Pretty Damn Blessed.
I forgot to get weighed this weekend, so I don't know where I'm at on the scale. However, my clothes are feeling looser. I have been faffing around and not eating well and I seriously cannot remember the last time I exercised.
One of my goals this year was to lose seven stones. I'm nowehere on track with that, but if I make changes now I can be closer to my target than if I don't start.
I suffer quite badly with perfectionismitis. This means that if I am not 100 % perfect in achieving something, I give up. You will know if you have read my blog before that I am a keen follower of The Flylady (www.flylady.net), and she has taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism, and that housework done incorrectly still blesses your home. I need to start expanding this concept to other things; at the moment I expect myself to Eat Clean 100 % and start exercising daily for an hour. This approach is clearly not working for me AT ALL. So, for the remainder of this week, I'm going to try to eat something healthy at each meal and exercise for 15 minutes each day. Just gentle movement. Nothing mental. I've noticed since Christmas that I am getting more and more stiff each day - I actually feel like I'm seizing up! Well, of course I am because I'm not moving!!
So, that's the plan. Eating a bit better and moving a bit more. I'll let you know how I got on. the 'good' thing is that people have started noticing I'm losing weight. I actually find this a little disturbing, because I don't know how to handle the praise or the recognition. So, I'm just saying thank you and moving the conversation on.
I hope you have a good week and move a little closer to your goals.
Much love to you and yours,
Carol B
xx
ps I didn't do the garden!
Monday, 18 May 2015
Who's 'Making' You Angry?
Dear Reader
It amuses me writing that, because I know I have no readers!!
Anyhoo, today's post may be a little controversial and not like the subjects I normally blog about.
I had a conversation with one of my sisters the other day, in the car, on the way to lunch in a lovely little village near where we live. My sister (whom I'm really close to) was really angry over something my other sister (whom I'm not close to) had done, and she started to have a rant in the car about it. Again. From that one word, you will appreciate that this is not the first time my eldest sister's actions had caused distress to my middle sister, and not the first time I'd listened to her.
This was my response; 'And?'
Naturally, this was not the response my sister wanted. She wanted me to be as outraged as she was. I said to her something that I think we all need to bear in mind sometimes;
We cannot control the actions, thoughts or feelings of others. We can only control those things in ourselves, by the choices we make.
So, I said, quite calmly 'If you choose to continue to get mad about something that will never change, then that is your choice. No-one is making you feel this but you. You will never change the way our sister is; she is what she is. Maybe she gets some perverse pleasure out of annoying you, maybe she doesn't, but that is irrelevant. The only person who this has any negative impact on is you. So you can either continue to moan and get mad, or you can choose to let it annoy you for five to ten minutes then let it go, and get on with your life. Choose to control your feelings, choose to control your responses. The only person who has control over your feelings is you.'
This, of course, does not just apply to siblings, or negative situations. How many times do we decline to take advantage of situations, or say yes to opportunities because of how others 'make' us feel about ourselves? I am especially guilty of this. But surely, the best of life comes from just that? Being open, being spontaneous, seeing life as what it is; an incredible gift?
I believe that if we choose to have a more positive outlook (bear with me - I'm not going all Pollyanna), we will see more positive things in our lives. You know that experiment of 'don't look at blue cars', and then all you can see is blue cars? Similarly, I think if we look for the beautiful moments in our daily lives, and everyone has them, then we will see more of them. One of mine today was seeing a particularly fat, fluffy bee feeding in my garden. It was like a cartoon bee, it was so cute.
I know that this may all seem a bit flaky, but surely, it can't hurt to try? Choose your feelings and choose what you focus on.
Much love to you and yours
Carol
It amuses me writing that, because I know I have no readers!!
Anyhoo, today's post may be a little controversial and not like the subjects I normally blog about.
I had a conversation with one of my sisters the other day, in the car, on the way to lunch in a lovely little village near where we live. My sister (whom I'm really close to) was really angry over something my other sister (whom I'm not close to) had done, and she started to have a rant in the car about it. Again. From that one word, you will appreciate that this is not the first time my eldest sister's actions had caused distress to my middle sister, and not the first time I'd listened to her.
This was my response; 'And?'
Naturally, this was not the response my sister wanted. She wanted me to be as outraged as she was. I said to her something that I think we all need to bear in mind sometimes;
We cannot control the actions, thoughts or feelings of others. We can only control those things in ourselves, by the choices we make.
So, I said, quite calmly 'If you choose to continue to get mad about something that will never change, then that is your choice. No-one is making you feel this but you. You will never change the way our sister is; she is what she is. Maybe she gets some perverse pleasure out of annoying you, maybe she doesn't, but that is irrelevant. The only person who this has any negative impact on is you. So you can either continue to moan and get mad, or you can choose to let it annoy you for five to ten minutes then let it go, and get on with your life. Choose to control your feelings, choose to control your responses. The only person who has control over your feelings is you.'
This, of course, does not just apply to siblings, or negative situations. How many times do we decline to take advantage of situations, or say yes to opportunities because of how others 'make' us feel about ourselves? I am especially guilty of this. But surely, the best of life comes from just that? Being open, being spontaneous, seeing life as what it is; an incredible gift?
I believe that if we choose to have a more positive outlook (bear with me - I'm not going all Pollyanna), we will see more positive things in our lives. You know that experiment of 'don't look at blue cars', and then all you can see is blue cars? Similarly, I think if we look for the beautiful moments in our daily lives, and everyone has them, then we will see more of them. One of mine today was seeing a particularly fat, fluffy bee feeding in my garden. It was like a cartoon bee, it was so cute.
I know that this may all seem a bit flaky, but surely, it can't hurt to try? Choose your feelings and choose what you focus on.
Much love to you and yours
Carol
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